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HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST? (Read 6150 times)
Rissa
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HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Jan 27th, 2004 at 1:24am
 
Who am I,  Where have I been that past eighteen years,  where has my life really been, has it really been me that was living. 

I look back on my life now, and I think where have I
been, has it been real, was it me in those dreams that I
have or was it someone else.  My abuse started at a young at the age of 4. I was abused by my brother for seven years.until i was eleven and he went away to the navy. What I thought was normal, wasnt. Who was that little girl who put up with that abuse for so long.  I cant even think that a person in my own family could abuse me, thier little sister.  A person they are suppose to love in a family was and not a sexual way.

Was that me, did i really keep silent through all those years?  How could I, why did I?  I was screaming inside and could not find a way to release it.  Where did my childhood go?  All of my memories are filled with abuse.  I was molested.  It didnt go as far as intercourse, but it was in every bit of a way as painful.  He, (my brother) would make the abuse a game, and of couse i would follow since he was older and that is what i was used to.  But i cant remember any other childhood games than those,  like touch me and i will touch you too. 

Where has the real me been.  When will i begin to live bsed on me and not hte manefestations of my abuse.
I finally told my mother of the abuse when i began to look for sex in older men at the age of thirteen.  But it was ok for me because that was what i was used to.. How can i stop something that has become a part of me?  Sex had becam such a major factor in my life, thats all that i could get to make me happy. 

The same day that I told my father of the molestation he began to rape me.  He was not really involved in my life until i had began to develop physically.  He raped me over the course of two years. And the first rape (abuse) was the day before christmas.  A christmas that i will never forget.  He raped me the entire night until he was through with me.  Then the next day he told me that If i were to tell someone what happened, they would send him away.  And I didnt want that i did love my father, i didnt want peopl to know what he did to me.  I was ashamed.  I knew i would be looked at differently from others, i didnt want pity from others.. I kept silen for two years until he began to ask me if he could still have sex with me when I came of age.  That was it, i wanted to vomit every time he raped me, but just hearing his thoughts that time really hit me hard. He was supposed to be my father, not my sex partener or lover.

He,and my brother both have betrayed me.  I feel as though they stole my child hood and my memories of the good times.  I did report the rapes of my father and as of this past october, he was sent to serve ten years in prison.  I have not yet received justice for my brother abuse.  I guess the law is not as strict on people who only fondled thier victims.  Can i recieve any justice?  Is it all lost, can i ever get those years back?  No, i cant i have to move forwrd and seek out the help that i need.

Rissa
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Yolande
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #1 - Jan 27th, 2004 at 6:05am
 
Dear Rissa,

I feel so sad for you for the suffering you have endured, at the hands of the very people you should have been able to trust, that SHOULD have felt so protective towards you, instead they took advantage of your young age and vulnerability.  I am glad that you realize the affect of your brother's abuse, too, and don't nullify it in the light of the extent of your father's abuse (he was no father - he didn't deserve a little girl).  I REALLY hope that your mother was very supportive?  You are one strong (in your vulnerability!) lady to have gone through court like that, too. 

I hope you can find healing from such a terrible weight - taking little steps forward, and the obvious 5 steps back now and again as another layer of grief comes off - to keep getting up again stronger and stronger.

(Safe) love,

Jill

P.S. When I first came on this site, I noticed people signing off like that (Safe love/safe hugs) - and realize as I read more and more, how few of us HAVE had 'SAFE love' from those we should have!!  That term is so appropriate for us.  Even though my father didn't manage to bed us, my sister and I NEVER felt safe (sexually) with him, and he proved our instincts were right later - luckily, we were old enough to fight him off.  He no longer is in our life, (though very much still alive) - our 4 daughters never felt 'safe love' from him either, and I never trusted him with them.  Once they developed, he always managed to hug just under the breasts so that he brushed them (we called it groping) when he kissed them - and no matter how hard you tried, he managed to kiss on the lips.  They are better off without a 'grandfather like that' - that ISN'T a real grandfather, and has no grandfather's rights.
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #2 - Jan 27th, 2004 at 6:26am
 
Dear Rissa,

Jill is my sister in case you don't know that.  I just feel so sad for you.  You certainly expressed yourself very well considering this is the first time you have told your story publicly.  That little girl has been cheated alright.  The only consolation I can give you right now is that all of us here have been cheated to different degrees.  I just hope you find the help you need - not just here but with someone who deserves to be your counsellor.  I have just ordered the books - The Courage To Heal & Workbook plus Ghosts In The Bedroom for my Husband to understand better.  They were recommended by others on this site so maybe you could work through them too. 

I hope you keep posting - it certainly helps to have kindred spirits in your journey to healing.  Thanks for trusting us.

Love from Kaye.  xxxx
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Rissa
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #3 - Jan 27th, 2004 at 10:07am
 
I dont know how to do it myself,

but can you tell your sister thank you for her encouraging words as well

rissa
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #4 - Jan 27th, 2004 at 10:33am
 
Sad Dear Rissa I read your story and what to U is very similar to what happened to me .U may have lost your childhood but U can get some of it back .I got some of my childhood back by as a adult I went to carnivals to rides ,the movies to kids movies even if I had to go by myself.I even went to Great America.then when I had kids I really enjoyed do things with as if I was kid my self it was a start in what I call finding my innner child and helping to heal as I would heal .and to let her ( my inner child ) know that she need not be afraid anymore that I would not let anyone hurt or take advantage of her anymore .thatI would protaect her  and love the way she deserved to be loved . and yes the 2 books that were recomended to U I have also read and reread in fact I was one of the to recomend them.I really feel for and know what have U been through I know that is does not feel like that was U because your body uses defense mechanisms to protect during thooose hurtful times when we are to yuong to know how to handle what has happened to us .I would numb everything out even separate myself from body like an out of body thing.the bad is when we get older and these memories come back full force and we start to have flashbacks ,nightmares about what happened and at first we don't want to believe it our selves but then we realize that did happen and in my case I was not and am still not believed .but know this I am here for U and I do believe U and U can e-mamil me any time  safe love big hugs to  U /U have already taken a big step     Beth
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #5 - Jan 27th, 2004 at 2:45pm
 
dear Rissa,

I posted you a long message, and then lost it, so I will write you again later.  I'm sorry.  Hang in there and don't give up.

(safe) hugs,
Lily
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #6 - Jan 27th, 2004 at 8:33pm
 
rissa,

my heart cries for you!  what a horrible thing to have experienced.  yes, you should have been loved in a safe and healthy way . . . that was distorted and made into something very ugly and using!  all of us here feel your pain and anger.  all of us have experienced it in one form or another, to one degree or another.  we understand.

remember, it was NOT your fault!  you were a small child when it began, and your brother and father were older and authority figures to you.  also, you naturally trusted them with your very life and well-being.  that they misused that love and trust is reprehensible!  they are sick!

i am so proud that you told, and that you were able to put your father in jail!  funny, isn't it, that even 10 years does not make up for what we must bear as a result of their brief and sordid self-gratification?

as for your brother, surely there must be some way to exact justice through the legal system.  to the best of my knowledge, i had prosecuting rights against my father at 34 years old (due to memory loss for many years), and he "only fondled" me, as well.  there is a statute of limitations on this, tho', so if you want to pursue it, i'd start talking to the d.a.

if either you don't choose to pursue prosecuting your brother, or if the law won't support you, remember that justice is served eventually, whether we are aware or not:

my first husband used to hit me.  i divorced him after 5 years.  much later, my brother called me to tell me he'd seen him near where he was.  he asked if i wanted him to exact justice on my ex, in his own way (i think you get it).  i told him no . . . that God would ensure that he was repaid; i didn't need to.

my ex has had at least 3 auto accidents since i left him.  they have left him w/a long-term memory disorder and unable to live anywhere but in florida (his family is north & he wants to be w/them, but can't).  he has been alone since i knew him.  he lived in hiding for a year because he didn't want to pay support -- virginia found him and he has paid $20,000+.  his only son hates him and only uses him to provide $.  his life has been like this for 24 years.  i think justice is served.

you are very courageous to decide to move forward with your healing, regardless.  it takes so much strength to face the dark places within us!  i am proud of you!

no honey, you cannot get those years back.  it sucks, doesn't it?  i wish i could get back about 47 of them (my age now).  but i can't.  i guess instead, i try to focus on what's good in my life now . . . my 3 wise and loving sons, my friends at work, my friends here and in various states across the u.s., my friends at this site (all over the world, wow!), my health, the stars that shine each night and remind me that tomorrow is up to me . . . 

you keep on growing, honey . . . we are here.

safe love and lots of hugs,

ticia
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #7 - Jan 28th, 2004 at 12:55am
 
Well, I had come back to rewrite all that was lost, but if you put everyone's replies together, that would about sum it all up.  The most important thing is even though you can't get those years back, you can take them back.  You can play.  You can enjoy your life.  It's hard at first, but in time ,you can. 

You already took the first step.  You came here.  You want to heal.  That is awesome. 

Here for you,
Lily
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #8 - Jan 31st, 2004 at 6:30pm
 
Welcome Rissa!!

Oh my ~ I feel your feelings and have felt the same.  Still do!!  "Who is the real me?"  is a question I ask myself all the time.  My half brother and father were two of my perps as well ~ and yes ~ we were both betrayed by our own families.  The difference though is ~ my dad abused me UNTIL I developed, and yours did after you developed.  There are reasons for that as far as perps go ~ because some like younger girls before puberty and some want them after.  Either way ~ it's horrible and unthinkable that your dad would do that.  I never told anybody until I went to therapy ~ and now my therapist knows, my husband and my support website friends know.  I was silent all those years ~ for survival.  And you were too!!!  And yes ~ our childhood was stolen from us ~ our innocense.  BUT ~ now you can work on healing those wounds because you are in charge of the rest of your life.  You can write the new chapters in your book ~ and be whoever you want to be.  Just keep working through all of the bad stuff and get it out ~ hopefully you are in therapy working through all of this.  Because it is so good to have that support.  Hang in there ~ we are here for you!!

Big hugs,
Mandi
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At some point, you have to make a decision.Boundaries don't keep other people out.They fence you in.Life is messy.That's how we're made.So,you can waste your lives drawing lines.Or you can live your l
 
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #9 - Feb 1st, 2004 at 6:26pm
 
Rissa,

I just want to say I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU!!!
I don't know if you read my story,but in case you didn't I'll tell you quickly.
I, too, was molested by my older brother (9 years older than me)  I was about 6 or 7 and he would force me to give him oral sex and constantly fondle my  non-developed breasts and lower.  To this day I cannot stand to have my n*pples touched or kissed.
I did finally tell my mom one morning and she yelled at him, but that was it.  I guess she just assumed that I'd forget about it.
When I got older, my step-brother came home drunk one night and forced me to do stuff to him.  But that was never addressed cuz I never told.  Bythen I was 13 or so  and felt incredibly ashamed.
I feel that these molestations have later led me into sexually abusive and controlling relationships with older men.
I , too, do not understand how one sibling can do that to another.  What's sad is that I too looked up to my older brother like he was a god or something so anything he said I did.  For years after I still had contact with him and maintained a friendly relationship.  now he is far  away in Tennessee (I;m in Nj)  and I am just now confronting these issues and the more I think of it the more I dislike him and ask myself "Why" and "how"...to his own sister..especially a little girl.
ANyway, Ijust wanted to express my connection with what you have went thru.
Take care, fellow sister!!
much love and luck
-ginabella
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lily
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #10 - Feb 2nd, 2004 at 2:40am
 
Rissa,



(((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #11 - Feb 6th, 2004 at 12:48pm
 
you are such a brave soul..I suffered like you, but you went through something I never understood why abuse started in the first place I am so sad about that you losing parts of yourself but I know that over just a year I'm starting to feel better. I have a lot of love and room for myself to let myself heal..I was feeling a little sad this morning because a freind I hadn't heard from in months just called to say she missed me..You see in order for me to heal I really had to take time for me and just concentrate on my healing and my inner child becasue you are sooo important..it takes a long time to heal from such wounds just keep taking care of you.Love Nichole
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #12 - Feb 6th, 2004 at 4:52pm
 
Rissa-
I saw in your profile that you are 18. To write of the Horrors of your childhood while they are still so fresh is amazing!! I couldn't even admit ANY of my story till two years ago, and STILL haven't told it all! And I'm almost thirty- The pain has been affecting all my life and I didnt know it. I'm glad you could talk and even go to court about it and maybe you can work it out before it destroys the rest of your life.
   Your childhood WAS stolen, and you are right to be mad! sometimes, I feel thet I really died in 1979 when I was four. I hope you will learn to laugh & regain your childhood.
~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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Rissa
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #13 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 10:25am
 
Thank you all again for caring enough to read and reply to my story.

I feel very encouraged after reading the words that all of you have written.  Yes, it is hard for me to share my story since it happened to me so recently.  I am trying to get help through counseling now, and I hope that works well for me.

Thank you again, Rissa
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Re: HAS MY WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEEN LOST?
Reply #14 - Feb 12th, 2004 at 2:01am
 
Hi Rissa, thanks for the encouragement.

You are right where you should be. Your childhood has not been lost. It has made you who you are today a survivor. You are beautiful, bright, and smart and you are going to be a great sucsess.

Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing your story.

homealone
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