(continuation of part 1)

This painful shame, this dark secret, persisted into adulthood.  In my adolescence, with other male friends, I had my first exposure to pornographic magazines.  I suppose on some level I enjoyed knowing there were far more perverted people in the world than I.  Plus, I suppose the fact that there was a certain amount of male bonding through the acquisition and exchange of these magazines was part of the experience.  At some level, it made it seem like this was just something that “young men do”  -- although, unlike my friends, I secretly found “the letters” more interesting than the pictures, especially when the story recounted in the letter involved incest.  And so the secret shame continued…

My wife and I got married in our senior years of college.  In time, I was able to finally tell my wife enough about what had happened (minus the lurid details -- she just knows that inappropriate sexual contact took place...) so that I was able to experience a large amount of relief.  Also, after I was married, my relationship to my father changed so drastically -- becoming a warm, affectionate one that persists to this day that I didn't find myself thinking about the "dark secret" much anymore.

And before now, I've never really been inclined to research the particular impact that incestuous relationships can have on someone.  However, over the past two years, I 've come to be diagnosed with depression -- and, more recently, ADHD.  Happily, medication and counseling have been very effective for me.  However, in the counseling process, I look back on my life, taking stock of feelings I had growing up and why I did certain things that I did, there's no getting around the "dark secret" that was there. 

One of the things I've grappled with most in my career life is my relationship to my father through it.  I felt enormous pressure on myself to follow in his footsteps, career-wise.  At first, I went in an entirely different career direction, and this was actually the moment when my relationship to my father began to improve.

However, I teach at the same college he does -- in the same department, even.  My hiring required a whole host of special exemptions to the college's nepotism clause.  I struggle with creating my own identity within this college, and, for the most part, I believe that I am succeeding in doing so.  But in counseling, I still find myself wondering, "Am I still at some subconscious level craving my father's approval, such that the person I think that I want to be is actually who I think he wants me to be?"

I told my therapist a little bit about what had happened with my uncle.  I asked her if that could figure into "the equation" at all.  She said "Well, let's just consider it one of the many experiences that has gone into the formation of the person you are today and leave it at that."  We've never returned to the subject.

However, while I'm working so hard at managing my depression and attention difficulties, I find myself starting to wonder: am I failing to come to grips with a key "part of the picture," here?  Would it be helpful for me to actively seek out a better understanding of how this experience had -- and perhaps still does have -- an effect upon my life?  Or should I just be aware that it's there in my past and leave it at that?

I have three young daughters.  I’ve never had even a flicker of incestuous feelings toward them.  However, I realize that, all along, I told my wife that I was hoping only for daughters: I wasn’t sure I could handle a relationship with a son.  Before now, I’ve never wondered if this was related to my childhood experiences…

However, my marriage has begun to become troubled.  I have always battled a low self-esteem, but, over the years, this has begun to translate more and more of a self-absorption.  I’m starting to wonder: do I have trouble with intimacy? 

Anyway, this why I joined this message board.  To be honest, I’m surprised by how much has become apparent to me for the first time in just forcing myself to write this post…