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Just me .. thinking again... (Read 1537 times)
kjoy
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Do only that which honors
the soul.

Posts: 458
kentucky
Gender: female
Just me .. thinking again...
Dec 19th, 2003 at 2:21pm
 
I have been reading through the posts, remembering things, thinking a lot of things through lately, and just need to write. I went to the sex offender site from the state that I was raised in and looked at pictures of offenders. Now these are not just ordinary offenders, but my family. I have two brothers in prison for sexual abuse of minors. They have their pictures on the site and I just sat and stared at them. It is funny, how they look so much like my dad. And just out of curiosity... I started clicking on the names of other offenders who have the same last name as my fathers,. It was so weird, six offenders and five of them look just like my dad. All in the same prison, in the same state.. all with the same last name. Do I have more brothers that I don't know about? All of them are around my age as well. Just how much evil did my father spread around? I haven't seen my brothers in over 15 years and take great care in not letting them know where I live. My older brother molested my sons and my daughter when they were young and is no longer a part of my life, but it still hurts to see them with that number in front of them and know how much was lost. All because of my father... And people tell me that in order to heal I need to forgive??? Is that really possible? How does one go about forgiving generations of abuse that set the girls up to be victims and the boys up to be abusers??? I am only getting to the point that I am able to start letting the anger go outward towards the offenders and not inward towards myself. I still haven't forgiven myself for believing my brother when he said that through therapy he had "changed" and let him back into my life which put my children in jeopardy. Sorry to ramble on, just wanted to get things out of my head and into black and white.... Forgiveness sounds like an easy thing, but I don't think I can do it.

                                              Take Care,

                                                       Kathy
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Marie
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Re: Just me .. thinking again...
Reply #1 - Dec 29th, 2003 at 5:32pm
 
Hi Kathy

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning.  However, hatred how comforting in does feel, helps you to remain tied to the perpetrator.  Forgiveness is for you and you alone.  I sometimes think the hate will protect me from further abuse, all it really does is isolate me further from the people who could help.  You may not be able to forgive now.  Someday, you might.  Forgiving yourself for being the victim is the hardest of all, because you were helpless, and wanted to believe.  I know that when my memories began surfacing that is how I felt. 

I identify with that sense of loss you spoke of, I no longer want my father in my life, but still feel sadness and loss.  He's a toucher. 

Kind regards

Marie
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