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Just needing to vent. (Read 3850 times)
kjoy
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Just needing to vent.
Nov 25th, 2003 at 2:24pm
 
I feel like I am so stuck right now. And just don't know what to do. For those of you who have read my story, you know my biggest hang up is living a life full of secrets. First the secrets of my childhood than the secrets of my marriage and now the secret that I am living with a woman. I just want to shout out to the world Hey this is me! Secrets and all..... My relationship with my friend came at a time when I needed to learn there was gentleness and love without a price and I will always be happy for that, but it isn't who I am. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without a mans touch and want so much to end my physical relationship with my friend yet still retain the friendship which is so important to me. But I can't get that across to her. And so once again, I am living lies and secrets. I am so afraid she is going to read this post and get angry with me for even writing this but I need to figure out how to move on with my life without hurting her in the process. There is so much tension these days and I am lashing out in ways that are not very positive. I just don't know what to do....

                                                      Kathy
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warrior_redbird
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Re: Just needing to vent.
Reply #1 - Nov 25th, 2003 at 9:20pm
 
  Kathy,
  I just wanted to say that my therapist once told me that it is my secrets that keep me sick and i have learned that to be true.  You have to find a way to purge yourself , no mattter what the consequences, because you will feel such relief with the emergence of the secrets.
I am involved with a woman and i cannot imagine living without here or ever having a man's touch again so I'm sorry i cannot relate to you there but I do know ALL about secrets. I still have many stashed that I have never shared with a soul. I just know from experience that if you get to the point thta you feel sick enough and are hurting enough you will feel the pressure increase to share with someone what you have been through and get out the secrets.
I love you and I wish you welll.....
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MelindaE
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Re: Just needing to vent.
Reply #2 - Dec 9th, 2003 at 4:58am
 
Kathy,

I feel your frustration and pain.  I have not been in a realtionship like yours but can sympathize.  I always say honesty is the best policy.  ( I know, easier said than done! )  Maybe because of the intamacy and friendship you share with this person, she may be more understanding and sensitive about you than you are giving her credit for.  On the other hand, you know her best.  But, I have always found that I imagine the worst in a situation I am dreading.  I almost always am happily wrong and wonder why I worried too much. 

Even though it will most likely be a sad event for both of you, both of you wouldn't be happy if the other person wasn't in the relationship 100% and would want to know about it.   I think she might be less hurt if she knew right away how you are feeling than to hear that you have felt this way for a long time, so the sooner you tell her, I think, the better. 

If you don't like what I just wrote, you can ignore it.  I just feel for you and want to offer some kind of advise.  I am hoping for the best for you. 

Sincerely,
Melinda
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I no longer see things controlling me. Fools believe in only what they see. The wise are rich indeed. - Words From Christian Artist, Crystal Lewis
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kjoy
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Re: Just needing to vent.
Reply #3 - Dec 11th, 2003 at 3:59am
 
Thank you Redbird and Melinda for your words of advice, A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks that I think may actually have a positive impact on things. My friend and I really "got into it" and I told her that I felt she was ashamed of loving me because she wanted to keep our relationship a secret. She accused me of being ashamed as well and said I couldn't tell anyone either. Well at that point I told her that I had shared our "secret" with a couple of friends and that it didn't have any impact on our friendship. They accepted me anyway and still like me. Well of course my friend was a bit upset but not as upset as I expected her to be and she seems to also be more relaxed around my friends.. Maybe she can't come out and say the words, but just maybe it is easier for her to be herself because she doesn't have to watch her words or actions around them in case they "find out". Also I am thinking that maybe it isn't a man's touch I am craving as much as  I am just needing to be able to open in any relationship and not have to hide so much. I don't know. Guess time will tell. For now I am hanging in there and taking things one moment at a time.... Thanks for listening.... Kathy
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Marie
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Re: Just needing to vent.
Reply #4 - Dec 30th, 2003 at 12:12pm
 
Hi Kathy

I too am with a woman.  It took me a long time to accept her love and gentleness.  I sometimes want for a man, but I enjoy being with a woman.  Where love and kindness are given with no price. 

I agree with Redbird, "we are only as sick as our secrets".  If it's a good relationship, it's worth the truth.  However, I'm wondering if you are trying to lose this relationship subconciously, have you ever had a nurturing relationship or were they all abusive in nature.  Did they follow the pattern of abuse that many survivors of incest follow.  While with my partner in the beginning, there were many moments of fear because I related the feelings of love to that of my abuse.  I equated love with being abused.  This would follow because I loved my dad, and he abused me.  It took a very special partner to listen and stick by me.  She also gave me space when I needed it.  I always came back because she never presured me.  It's taken a long time for me not to equate love with abuse and to take it for what it is, light, friendly and sustaining.

I too sometimes wish for a man.  But, it passes.  I now want the nurturing and warmth I get from this relationship.  It's not fun coming out, and depending where you are, sometimes it's even dangerous.  It sounds as though you have someone who loves you, but you are still not sure.  ???  Get some space.  Think things through.  Look for what your heart really wants to do not what others want you to do.

regards
Marie
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regards &&&&Marie
 
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warrior_redbird
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Re: Just needing to vent.
Reply #5 - Dec 31st, 2003 at 1:09am
 
  Kathy,
   I agree with Marie, and it's nice to know there are "family" here, but being hinest is the main thing that is important. If you are not honest with her you aren't being honest with yourself either and that is where your misery is coming from. Yes, our secrets keep usw sick, as i once said and that means as long as you are living a lie you can't live a healthy life style and you will be sick within yourself.....depression...misery...sadness....confusion....and so much more emotions that slowly eat away at our souls.
  I am with a woman and have no desire for a man. Men have abused me so terribly and I have been so traumatized by all the men I have tried to be with that I finally almost killed myself. I have ritual abuse issues tied to men and incest issues, and physical abuse issues tied to a husband.  No More!! I finally found a woman who was understanding and patient. I am nurtured and listened to ND AS SHE IS A TRAUMA SURVIVIOR she can listen and cry with me.
Like Marie said, have all your relationships been abusive? And what can a man give you that a woman cannot, besides penetration? ( And tecnically we can take care of that to a certain extent) Grin
   I hope you make the right decision, as i can see you are confused. You are in my thoughts and I'm here for feedback if you should want any...
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kjoy
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Re: Just needing to vent.
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 2004 at 2:19pm
 
Thanks Marie and Redbird for your feedback. Looking at things honestly, I do tend to have a pattern to my relationships. For some reason I never make it past the 7 year mark before I am figuring out a way to end them. I don't know why 7 is so significant but it is. I think the main problem with my current relationship is that I am tired of hiding. I want everything out in the open. I want to sit on the couch and cuddle, I have to hide, inside my home and out of it as she has a teenage daughter that she doesn't want to know about us... I am just so tired of hiding and keeping secrets.... I wish I could shout to the world about my love and not feel as it is something dirty and shameful to be forever kept in the dark.. That is where I am at now.....

                                   Kathy
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