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incest I have more to say (Read 4264 times)
bespina1
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incest I have more to say
Nov 20th, 2003 at 10:51am
 
to all; during the incest and abuse there were many times when I tried to kill my self .exspecially after my hospitalization when I had rx meds I tried to overdose atleast 2and was even more depressed when I woke .even after the second pregnancies he still molested me .he would wait for me to come from work at about midnightbecause everyone would asleepand I could nnot scream or anythingbecause I didnot want to wake them up.he knew this and took advantage of this .the abuse continued until I moved out.at about 20 I started rebelingat home not following some of the rules .going out afterwork and drinkinggetting drunk .one time I crashed my into a telephone poleand walked away .I at the time wished I would have died.I never hurt anyone.just myself.mom then threatened to throw me out of the house if continued this behavior.I didnot care I friends were I could and stay.then about at 21 I started going back to churchbut not the catholic .I started believing in GOD again.and myself.thats when I decided that I could be someone.so I stopped dating men who only wanted one thingfrom me.thats when I found my husband.we were friend first for 6 months before the relationship started getting to be more than friends.when I felt things were changing I knew I had to go slow not jump in blind .we were together 3 yrs when I found out I was pregnant again I was to tell anyone because of my past.but I could not hide it from my husband (we were not married atthe time)he was happy I really had no feelings.I hid the pregnancie's the whole 9 monthsI never really showed.OH mom suspected and threatened to take me to the DR.and even set up an appointment .when I found out I did not go home from the work that night.stayed at a motel.trying to thinnk of what to do .I knew I could not tell .I was already brandedfrom before.and felt like a big disappountment to my momwho after the second pregnancy pretty much ignored me like I was Not even there .I knew I would never go through another abortion or adoption agian,it hurt to much.so I talk to my husband and told that after the baby was born I would never beable to go home and that my family did not know about.he talked to his landlady and arranged for me to move in with him after that baby was born.things went well until my family found me then I felt like I was 16 again.after the birth of my daughter my mom really started getting on me becuase my husband and I still were nnot married and we visited her family we had to pretend we were becuase her family would never accept the fact that our children were illegitament.that I had them out of wed lock.then when we finally did marry at the court house (NO big wedding for me because of what I did) my family took bets on my marriage as to how long it would last they all said no longer that 5 yrs .IT has been 18 yrsnow.Guess I proved them wrong.but even before this my mom told me to my face when all the abuse was happening and I was fatthat Iwas not pretty and should find someone with money to marry me because no one would love me for me.who I was on the inside..well even as much as 3 to 4 yrs ago my abuser would call me on the phone wanting me to meet him for sex.i was already in woodstock IL he was still in chicago.I told him NO NEVER AGAIN I did not care what he said about me it was never goig to happen again.then he had to go and move with in miles of me just a cuople of months ago.that when all the flashbacks and nightmares started again and the depression.am working through it and I know it will never happen again because I have power to stop it .
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ginabella
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #1 - Nov 22nd, 2003 at 9:07am
 
Bespina
hugs to you, sweetie.  I bet it took alot to write all that was on your mind but you did it and that is maybe one of the best steps to take. (not that i'm an expert)   My heart goes out to you.  I was also molested by my brother and my step brother.  I did tell my mom ( only about my brother, not the step brother) but she never asked me how I felt.  She acted like nothing happened after that. 
Anyway,  you are a wonderful person with warmth and strong advice to share. 
Stay strong, sweet sister!
much love and luck
-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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Yolande
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #2 - Jan 28th, 2004 at 7:27pm
 
Dear Bespina,

It must feel so good to be able to say that you 'have the power to stop it now'.  What a shocking life, but you are the victor now.  He would hate that he can't control you anymore, after taking advantage of you for so long.  How dare he still have been pursuing you after all these years!  How dare he shift close to you.  I figure that he isn't married?  Too screwed up.  He has wrecked his own life, and can't wreck yours any more.  What a SHAME about your mother & family.  So often that happens - the poor victim is DIRT in the eyes of the very ones who should be protective, and they talk openly about how the (survivor)'s marriage won't last, etc.  So sad.  So destructive.   

I am so proud of you for managing to find your feet after such horror.  You are one incredible lady, and I am so glad your huband stands by you.  You sure have proved them wrong - and are more 'human' than they are, to boot!  With heart still intact - amazing.

Love,

Jill
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YolandeJ
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Yolande
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #3 - Jan 28th, 2004 at 7:30pm
 
P.S. Bespina, is there any way you can block your abuser's calls - on some phones there is that option, so that their calls can't come through.

Jill
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YolandeJ
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tinygirlchild
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #4 - Jan 28th, 2004 at 10:44pm
 
is this man's depravity infinite?  he has no shame, that he would move so close to you and yours.  as if all those years weren't enough to prove how out of touch with reality he is, this does.  what a sad and sorry individual he is.

your family had no right to disbelieve you, nor did they have the right to condemn you for rising out of the horror and finding love.  it is difficult to imagine that level of lovelessness, even tho' all of us here have lived it ourselves.  i am so sorry you didn't receive the love and support you deserved!

your last statement is so very powerful, my friend.  yes, you do have the power to stop it from ever happening to you again!  and, trust me, your abuser is a miserable, useless man, undeserving of a happy life.
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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malesurvivor
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #5 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 4:52am
 
I'm glad you have the strength to stand up to that guy now- he isn't good enough to like the dogsh!t off your shoe, much less see you. I agree with jill- There are some phones/answering machines that, coupled with caller I.D., can tell what number is calling and give the unwanted caller a message like "This number will no longer accept your calls" or you can record your own. Also, what about changing your number and making it unlisted? The phone company will usually do it within 3 days if they know it's important. And, bespina, you ARE important.
remeber that!
~~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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malesurvivor
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #6 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 4:56am
 
P.S. Bespina-
If you ever want to move, let me know. I have a friend in the real estate business, and I'm sure he could find somthing for you, no matter how expensive or cheap you want it. Just a thought.
~malesurvivor
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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bespina1
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913 NMadisonWoodstockIl 60098
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #7 - Feb 10th, 2004 at 4:32pm
 
Matt Jill and everyone thank you soooooooo much for your replies you don't what it means to be able to finally start to get so of this of my chest so to speak.I have kept it inside sooooooooo long that everything is going forth all at once sometimes my thoughts get jumble because I can't type as fast i think.there is sooooo much coming forth sometimes i don't know what to do
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malesurvivor
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Re: incest I have more to say
Reply #8 - Feb 11th, 2004 at 8:51am
 
You just let it come, ok, bespina?
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Sitting, silently, thinking and screaming for freedom from this constant insanity, the endless solitary confinement.&&Yet I walk alone, and survive. &&Always alone, and always surviving.
 
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