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My mother(continued) (Read 2293 times)
warrior_redbird
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Deep inside this armour,
the warrior is a child..

Posts: 586
Dallas, Texas
Gender: female
My mother(continued)
Oct 22nd, 2003 at 7:12pm
 
I've told her about those consequences that those choices caused and we talk now without the therapist on occasion but sometimes she still hisses and looks at me badly if i speak out too much. But mostly it's just i sit and listen and tolerate her just to let her be in my life and through the months we have been communicating I've felt things stirring within me. What if she dies...do i need to write a letter and say the things i want to say if i'm afraifd to face her with them? Will i have regrets...I've recently accepted that no matter what i do i cannot make my mother love me and that is progress for me. I had all these stupid expectations of how she would say how sorry she was and I'd finally get to hear her say she loves me and she's proud of me(for staying sober) but she is waiting in expectation that I am going to screw up again and relapse soon. She's said that it's just a matter of time...real loving attitude huh?
There is so much pain associated with being around her..and yet i feel like i have to go....she brings me into fresh pain with some of her comments or sometimes with that look she willuse that says nothing in words but utters thousands with the look..and i shrivel and become small.
Now she is sick and i saw her last weekend and the past wekend and this week has had my mind in turmoil with all these thoughts of what I should do to avoid having regrets. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and had several lymph nodes removed with a breast and has had trouble ever since.  Like i said she is home bound and has to be looked after.
So any suggestions??/ should i write a letter and get the things i'd like to say off my chest?/ At what ever the cost and risk to her?? If it killed her would i feel guilt?
Should i just make the best of whatever relatiopnship I can salvage out of this and just spend as much time with her as possible and let her get to know me..We've been apart for thirty years now.??? how do i deal with these flashbacks that she envokes and how do i go about dealing with this pain i'm feeling all over again...
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ginabella
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Trying to love myself!

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Hackettstown, NJ
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Re: My mother(continued)
Reply #1 - Oct 25th, 2003 at 11:38pm
 
warrior redbird,
I am giving you a great big HUG RIGHT NOW!!!! I am so sorry that you're going thru all this turmoil! You are truely a wonderful person and you don't deserve this punishment!  I wish I had all the answers for you.  As I read your post, I became filled with rage.  I know this does not help you...but i have this unusual instinct to protect people I care about.  My advice..... maybe writing a letter wouldn't be a bad idea.  In fact, I'm about to write one to my mother and my abusers.  Even if you don't mail it or she never sees it, this may help you to feel less burdened. 
This is the angry, protective Gina coming out...
How dare she!!!! How dare your own mother pick you apart, and just wait for you to relapse!  Wasn't she a drug addict in the past ?  Maybe she should reflect on her own mistakes and faults.  Who knows....maybe she'll become more understanding.....or maybe not.  I don't know.  I'd like to believe that when people come close to the end of their lives that they become more reflective and caring, nicer, ect.  I don't know.  She sounds kinda bitter.
I'm sorry.  It's wrong of me to sit here and type bad things about a woman I don't know.
Warrior (and you truely are that!), don't let her bring you down.  Don't let her continue to control your life.  You have suffered for so long and don't deserve to!
Just remember...no matter what...you bring lots of love and support to all of us in this group.  You are a wonderful person and you are a SURVIVOR!  No matter what becomes of your situation with your mom, I'll understand and support you 100%!
Lots of love and luck Kiss
-ginabella
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With the time, comes the answer;&&With the knowledge comes the end.&&With the conclusion comes the sanity;&&Just a little bit too late.
 
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warrior_redbird
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Dallas, Texas
Gender: female
Re: My mother(continued)
Reply #2 - Nov 1st, 2003 at 7:49pm
 
  Thank you Ginabelle for your response. i appreciate any feedback. i di write a letter. I'm afraid to call and see what she thought of what i said. She hasn't called me soo....who knows..maybe she sat there just laughing...she's in denial I know.
But i did feel better anyway just writing it. I know she will have had to read it because she is nosy and just that way to where she will want to know what i had to say. So at least i know or i believe she read it and it went somewhere inside of her. now as to wheteher she takes any of it to heart...that will remain to be seen.
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