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there is more that i need to say (Read 1340 times)
Care Bear

please be patient with
me...God isn't finished

Posts: 682
Gender: female
there is more that i need to say
Oct 3rd, 2003 at 3:14am
I have only told a portion of my story.  There were other things that happened to me as a result of my abuse, and for some reason they (to me) are much more painful and more difficult to deal with.

When I was 16, I met a guy in highschool who I thought was very sweet and shy.  During the time I was going through some very trying times at home and took very little notice of his problems.

We began dating exclusively by 17 and soon we were sexually intimate.  It seemed harmless at first--just two kids having sex in the back of an aries.  But eventually, due to circumstances with my relationship at home, I moved in with him and his family. 

It seemed so cool and I was the envy of a lot of my classmates.  But it wouldn't stay that way.  I soon learned that he had problems of his own and one night he suggested we "try something new".  This new thing we would try was bondage.  It quickly became rape.  His favorite game to play with me was drive to a back road or field and let me go.  I would run as fast as I possibly could only for him to catch me and drag me (violently) back to the car and forcefully have sex with me. 

It became just the way we were after a while and I got used to it.  I learned how to cover the bruises and life went on.  A year later he left the state for the summer and I (experiencing freedom) cheated on him. 

Needless to say he wasn't pleased.  The night he came home he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to his car.  I can't remember what happened after that but I know the bruises were there the next morning. 

The next day he came into my mom's house and tried to coerse me into having sex with him.  I kept refusing and he pushed me down on my sister's bed and sodomized me.  It was horrible.  I had never felt such pain in all of my life. 

When he "suggested" we move into together I should have run as fast as my feet could go.  But I didn't.  I endured another year of beatings and rapings, and just being tied to the bed while he was gone (so I would be good).  I went so insane I would hover over him while he slept with a butcher knife.  I wanted to kill him and be free. 

My mom came up with an idea that finally worked.  Because he refused to let me go and would forcefully keep me with him, I made nice for a few months until he felt secure.  Then he left the state to "make a life for us" and I would join him there as soon as things were ready.  I didn't waste a beat.  The moment his plane left the ground I began packing.  It was hard at first, but I finally got away.

It took years for me to overcome this type of life.  I expected and tried to make other men treat me like this.  I felt like I was nothing and that all men had the right to hurt me.

A few years later I was raped by someone I thought was my friend.  It happened on Thanksgiving.  I am still not over it.

Another man I thought was my friend tried to rape me but all I could do was scream and cry and he finally left me alone all the while saying I had to get over my past and let a man show me how to love.

A neighbor tried to rape me while I was separated from my husband for a few months.

I was also date/drug induced raped by two guys I met at a party one night.

I know it wasn't cooincidence.  I know it was a result of my abuse.  But for some reason the abuse itself was easier to come to terms with than these occurrences.  I still can't figure it out.

I just thought this might be important as far as my recovery goes.
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