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glad i found you! (Read 1802 times)
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I Corinthians 13

Posts: 457
Gender: female
glad i found you!
Sep 21st, 2003 at 5:31pm
i am so happy to find this site!  i've been dealing with rough resurfacing feelings and need a safe place to vent.

to briefly clue everyone in, i was 12 when my father molested me (47 now).  this was also the occurrence of my first hug from him, so i naturally have severe confusion between sex and affection (the price we pay?).

i was fortunate in that i was able to stop him from raping me, and only remember 3 incidents.  my sister was not so fortunate, as she was in a full-fledged incestual affair between the ages of 7 and 19.  because of this, we share a tight bond.

naturally, his behavior set me up for all sorts of future problems:  promiscuous behavior, risk-taking (ended up being raped 6 times bet. 16 & 19 yrs), trading one form of abuse for another (first husband hit, 2nd was a "child"), etc.

my last serious relationship, 6 yrs ago, seemed idyllic until he suddenly began having a sexual relationship w/his "best friend," a stripper w/whom he also destroyed his 10-yr marriage (obviously, i didn't get the 'entire picture' when we started dating).  came as a shock not only to me, but to everyone who knew us, including his mother and our therapist.  " . . . illusion never changed into something real . . . "

needless to say, i spent a long time recovering, as this was actually the toughest blow to my heart and trust thus far. 

i've only had 2 relationships since then -- 1 a 6-wk whirlwind romance w/a brit visiting the u.s. for pilot training (proposed marriage on his return -- way too soon! -- then rescinded it).  that was that.

the other, i've concluded, was a "totally safe" relationship for me, in that i knew going in i could never fall in love w/this guy.  that lasted 2 yrs, and ended just after christmas.

now i'm in another relationship (nearly 7 mos. old), which i really want to see go well, but am having difficulties knowing how to conduct "normal."  have read john gray & deborah tannen in hopes of insight.  john makes much sense, but it is very difficult to relax and be receptive & not resentful of what i would like vs. what i'm receiving.

this man is a terrific, strong, responsible man (closer to my age by far (42), than those i've been dating -- i have tended lately to go much younger . . . 32-34 -- weird, i know!).  anyway, this man is apparently very accepting of who i am (i smoke, he doesn't, etc.), but is moving extremely slowly.  (he went through a painful divorce 2 yrs ago and describes himself as "exceedingly cautious").  we are intimate, but there can be long periods (up to 8 days) between contact, phone or otherwise.  when we do talk to or see each other, he is open, fun-loving, etc.  he just seems to keep me at arm's distance, although i have met his kids recently -- a huge step for him.  (is he following john gray's male profile to the 't' or what?  he certainly appears to be). Undecided

i have not told him anything about my father or the rapes.  i don't know if i should, as he's stated he hopes we can keep things light -- he's very pressured at work, w/much travelling, etc.  i don't want to burden him w/complexities, but also don't want him to think i'm just a basket case w/my occassional "tougher than the whole world" attitude, (have a hard time letting that one go!), the 2 marriages & a couple relationships he has barest details on, etc.  (i've assessed recently, and realized that any serious relationships, save for the really traumatic one were pre- or during therapy -- so, i have learned, i think, to take off the 'victim here' sign!)Cheesy

i see lately that i'm dealing heavily w/feelings of isolation (can't seem to get girlfriends to go out regularly/have a serious $ shorfall right now/single parent/actively seeking higher paying position/am so tired of going out alone!), fear of abandonment, fear of being used (1 comment in an email from him set me off, big time -- being used sexually, obviously, is my hottest button), etc.  i don't have the resources to seek counseling at this time, and don't know where else to turn, than others who have or are going through this . . . any advice/support/comfort would be very, very welcome.  i can't seem to find a meeting of minds w/friends, as those around me right now have never experienced what i have.

i guess i'm asking for a reality check, and for any support you guys can provide in attempting to build a healthy, loving, future-oriented relationship for the first time.
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Work like you don't need the money. &&Love like you've never been hurt. &&Dance like nobody's watching. &&Sing like nobody's listening. &&Live like it's Heaven on Earth. &&&&Anonymous&&
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Care Bear

Deep inside this armour,
the warrior is a child..

Posts: 586
Dallas, Texas
Gender: female
Re: glad i found you!
Reply #1 - Sep 23rd, 2003 at 9:44pm
  I don't know if I can offer any kind of response that you need, but I wanted to say i understand where you are coming from as I too have been in many failed relationships that where very dysfunctional and abusive. What the heck is " normal ? "
I think it is wise to go slowly as both of you have been burned. I also think honesty is the best cause, because if you do get really heavily invovled and then some secrets leak out that may catch him by surprise, you can't be sure of what his reaction may be. He should know up front that there are issues and you should give him the choice of how to react, and if he really does care for you, then of corse he will be loving and supportive. I understand about not wanting to dump complexities on him, and perhaps that's the right choice if he wants " to keep things light " (whatever that means)
Just know that when you find the right one he will accept you with ALL your complexities and past mistakes, and sometimes you have to go through some bad ones just so you can really appreciate the good one when he arrives.  good gentle with yourself....
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