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Would this be considered incest??? (Read 3800 times)
Ali_Star
Ex Member


Would this be considered incest???
Aug 16th, 2003 at 9:42pm
 
I still haven't been able to look at what "he did to me" as abuse.  I still feel silly even thinking about it as anything other than normal child experimentation.  For the most part he was only 3 or 4 yrs older than me. I could've have said no or something right?
I don't remember the first time it happened. I wasn't any older than five I'm sure.   There was never any type of penetration. Except for one time and that was anal. I was seven I think.
He would just kinda lay on top of me and slide his thingy in between my thighs, simulated intercourse.  I don't recall him fondling me or anything like that. Just what he would refer to as "doing it".   I don't remember crying, I never told anyone though.  I used to live with him, his mom and brother for a little while. Amongst other things my mom had a drug addiction and kinda stayed in some type of trouble, this time she a had been in jail. 
My cousin and I would play this game just about everyday. His mom and brother wouldn't be home until later in the evening and we would be home alone alot.  We had chores to do after school, and one time while in the middle of the act he stopped and asked if I wanted to start cleaning the bathroom, or finish?  I opted for the latter and I think that one moment justified my belief that what we did was my  choice as well as his.  And figured it would make him love me more.
But growing up I HATED HIM.   I loved him, but I didn't like him.  He being older than me would make me do things for him.  Like fix him hot dogs or silly things like that. I remember whenever he would send me to get him something to drink I would spit in it.  One time he noticed and I was sooo scared I don't know what I thought he would do to me. 
His brother tried to do it with me one time but for whatever reason it didn't pan out. He never tried again and for a long time he was my favorite out of the two.
I have another cousin that sometimes would do things but it was different because I would almost always be the initiator. 
There was once a time when I went to visit some family on my dads side when my mom was in trouble again. Raymond was his name. He had done the same thing my other cousin did to me. I only remember one time with him though. 
I'd just found out recently that my cousin and his brother on my mom's side had been molested by our aunt, who in turn had been molested by her brother (my uncle). I kinda at that time looked at the domino effect and concluded that what took place between he and I wasn't really all that innocent.
I had been touched by men a couple of times before and after the incidents with my cousin.   I've always had a preoccupation with sex. I recall being about seven or eight and pretending my stuffed animals were performing oral sex on me.  I actually went from being repulsed by male attention, to living for it.
I'm 22 now, very premiscious, lost my virginity at thirteen.  I initally would confuse sex with love.  Now I've completely gone to the other extreme.  I try not to sleep with same guy for a long period of time, because I don't want to become attatched. I approach sex like a past time activity.  I've learned to deaden my feelings and emotions. I've always masterbated alot and my fantisies revolve around being dominated, humilated, and taken advantage of. 
I love my cousin soooo much. I don't think I'm angry at him, atleast not on a consicous level. We've both been through alot and feel close to him for that reason alone.


My apologies- I am aware that this is very choppy and not very well put together. But I was afraid if I paid to much attention to grammer and sentence structure I would have changed my mind. 
Thanx for "listening".   


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Matanah
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Re: Would this be considered incest???
Reply #1 - Aug 17th, 2003 at 7:54am
 
Hi,
I'm really sorry that I have very little time at this moment, but I wanted to comment briefly and perhaps write to you in more detail later. The answer to your question is yes, what you experienced would be considered incest. It doesn't matter if the "abuser" is only 2-3 years older than you. What matters is whether one of you is in a position of power over the other. They don't share equal power between them. By what you described, you were clearly intimidated by your cousin on many levels, whether you loved him or not. You describe situations where he would "make" you do things for him. He was in a position of power in your relationship with him. You did experience incest.
Furthermore, you display the "classic" symptoms of a sexually abused child, i.e., masturbating to fantasies of being overpowered,against your will.Being sexually promiscuos, dettaching yourself from feeling when you're having sex, never staying with one partner for any length of time,etc. . There is clearly a history of sexual abuse/incest in your family as well. When this pattern exists in a family, it tends to go on for generations, until it is stopped by someone, somewhere down the line. If this in fact happens.
What I've written to you may sound very cold and factual,but I was just trying to give you as much information as I could in a time period that I don't have ! I really wanted to say something to you though when I saw your post as I saw that no one had answered yet. Others probably will in the coming days.
So, despite the way I might have sounded, all of the women at this site are very sensitive and kind, and we're always happy to have new people join us and to give you any kind of support you need and answer any questions you have if we can. I really have to go right now, but I truly hope that you come back to the site whenever you want to. You'd be welcomed, and I welcome you now Smiley
In Love and Light,
Matanah
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In Loving Light,&&Matanah
 
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warrior_redbird
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Re: Would this be considered incest???
Reply #2 - Aug 17th, 2003 at 12:11pm
 
First, let me say welcome home! I'm glad you're here and feeling comfortable to open up and share part of your story with us. Thank you for that. That had to make you feel vulnerable and i want you to know that you are safe here to express yourself.
   yes, as Matanah said, I also feel this qualifies as incest as he was related to you. you may have felt as responsible because you made a choice but it still was abuse. there are subtle ways of manipulation that can be used and you were so young.
    I too struggle with feeling responsible. But the thing to see here is that you are aware of this behaviour and that is progress. perhaps you could consider getting some counseling about your feelings concerning this. you can break this cycle of abuse and the chain will be broken. i hope you will stay around and continue to share with us.....
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Cheryl
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Re: Would this be considered incest???
Reply #3 - Aug 24th, 2003 at 3:30pm
 
Ali_Star,

Welcome to the board!  I just got back from vacation and am catching up on all the posts.  Everyone has been busy around here.  Smiley

Anyway, I did leave a post for you under healing link. 

Yes . . . this would be considered incest.  I think our stories are very similar. 

I'm around if you want to chat or feel free to e-mail me too cthouin@yahoo.com

Travelling with you  ~  Cheryl
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Ali star
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Re: Would this be considered incest???
Reply #4 - Aug 24th, 2003 at 11:13pm
 
SmileyI just want to say thank you to everyone for being sooooo nice.  I don't drop in to often because  even though I have bad days,  I also have really good days. 
The good days are when I don't think about  any of that stuff.  Which of course is not good overall seeing as to how my destructive behavior remains in tact. Even more so when I'm not sad. It's just that sometimes it's way easier to just do and not think.   Undecided
But anyway, thank you again
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