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A Mistake (Read 4416 times)
warrior_redbird
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Deep inside this armour,
the warrior is a child..

Posts: 586
Dallas, Texas
Gender: female
A Mistake
Aug 10th, 2003 at 2:30pm
 
My mother and Father never missed an opportunity to tell me that I was a mistake. My father raped my mother while drunk and she toldd me this every day and he was drunk everyday. he was a psychotic violent alcoholic who beat me and my mother always. as a result she was always gone whenever she could be. she was an addict and would be gone for days at a
time.
  I am an only child. he started touching me when i was only about three. he would beat me till I gave in.  It got worse over the years, going from fondeling to masturbation to penetration to sodomy. i had to have an operation on my rectum at age ten because he tore it so badly. But No One ever told or reported it. broken bones, bruises, missing school, no one ever said anything back then. It was so bad i would pee myself when he even walked into the room no matter where i was. he would cut me and the blood excited him. he would tie me up and gag me. he did some things that are unspeakable and cannot be mentioned.
I became a self-mutilater cutting myself often. been doing it for years. I became a drug addict. I am really a mess. i wet the bed often and i still suffer terribly. he's dead now. He got me pregnant when i was 12 yrs. old and i tried to tell my mother then. She knew, but i tried to actually vocalize and tell someone and she called me a liar, told me I was a slut and asked for it and then kicked me out of the house. I'd already been running away for years but they( the system) kept bringing me back, so this time i stayed out. I lived on the streets of hollywood for several months and got into prositution at 14 years old and that's when i became an addict.
I've been on my own ever since then, struggling through the years with my inner issues, sometimes homeless, deep into my addiction, cutting on myself, just existing. i went into treatment three years ago at the age of 40 and I went into therapy for the first time in my life. I have been clean and sober now for two and a half years(since May 28th, 2001) and i haven't cut on myself in six months. My therapy is a struggle and i haven't made a lot of progress but i'm still trying. i want to be better and i want to know what it feels like to be a whole woman. i have bad nightmares and i wet the bed often, but i think if i just don't giveup....who knows...
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Matanah
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If not for my sense of
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Posts: 571
Canada
Gender: female
Re: A Mistake
Reply #1 - Aug 11th, 2003 at 3:48am
 
First of all, congratulations on your 2 +1/2 years of sobriety, and the six months that you've been able to refrain from mutilating yourself. I know what hell it is, to put it mildly!!, especially for a woman to succeed in overcoming hard drug addiction. I'm truly sorry that you had it so bad, born into a loveless family, and having to trade in your cildhood and adolesence for prostitution, just to stay alive. You've experienced things that many don't experience in a hundred lifetimes. You have incredible strength and courage. We share a very similar backround that I'm not goung to go into now, as I've never really told my story, but as far as being totally unloved AND conditioned that you were wortheless, years of drug addiction, prostitution, self mutilation(cutting my face), I completely understand you and feel for you. As you so rightfully said, when we were children, incest and sex abuse was still something that was very socially taboo, and to a large part ignored. Even if you tried to speak about it, or tried to show others just how much pain you were in buy cutting yourself, to try and show people on the outside of your body what you were feeling inside, and how much what had been done to you and consequently what you had no choice in doing what you did to yourself made you hate yourself, people just blatantly ignored even the damage to your body that they could clearly see, as that was a time when one just didn't speak about "unpleasant" things and instead were taught to ignore them and they would just magically "go away " by themselves. I try not to think of those times as they just infuriate me!! And as far as therapy, psyshologists, therapists, etc. had no crappity smacking idea even how to go about treating someone who had been through this. It's only been in the past 15, maybe 20 years that therapists have begun paying attention to this and today, thank God, there are some good experienced therapists in this field along with numerous books on the subject. We however, were left to deal with it on our own, hence drug addiction just to numb the pain, and prostitution to support our self medication, among other things.
I'm really glad you're in therapy now. Even if you feel like you're not going anywhere,it's good to keep a journal from day to day, or whenever you feel like writing in it, as healing is a very long and slow process and we often feel like nothing is changing. But if you have a journal to look back in and see where you were a year ago or some months ago, you might be surprised at the progress you'ved made. You're obviously a very intelligent woman, and I believe you can make it. Don't forget, not all therapists are suited for everyone. (I've been to so many therapists and rehabs. I can't even count them!). To really make progress with a therapist it's important that you feel relaxed and comfortable with her or him, that you like the person and feel that they like you and have a genuine interest in your recovery, that you trust them enough to tell them almost anything without feeling that they'll judge you in any way...I know I've been going on and on, but you deserve to have the right therapist, and if you don't, it's your right to choose another. You probably know all of this anyway, so I'll end off here, wishing you continued success in your healing.
If you ever want to talk, you can e mail me anytime.
By the way, I know it feels like it, but after everything you've lived with, 2 years of therapy, once or twice a week is really not such a long time. So don't be so hard on yourself. Try to find the compassion for yourself that you'd feel for someone else who'd lived through what you have. You really deserve it.
Love, Matanah
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In Loving Light,&&Matanah
 
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lily
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please be patient with
me...God isn't finished
yet

Posts: 682
MI
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Re: A Mistake
Reply #2 - Aug 12th, 2003 at 12:50pm
 
warrior_redbird,


You are such a huge inspiration!!  Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Until this group I felt very alone. Although you have a few years on me, obviously you have experience and wisdom and I look forward to getting to know you more. 

Lily
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