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Starting to put it behind me (Read 1878 times)
Tamar
Ex Member


Starting to put it behind me
Mar 17th, 2003 at 5:29am
 
Tonight I have realised and remembered and discovered and really began to feel. For the first time in a long time, very long time, I cried. I cried and cried and cried and I didn’t stop, in fact I could not and nor did I want to. I had a really intense flashback. It was the worst of the abuse. It hurt al lot. I was about eleven maybe twelve and my grandfather was dying of cancer. As the rest of my family went off to see him, for whatever reason I was left behind – left with him  and his family, my cousin. He was much older than me. As much as I remember crying to my mother and telling her I could not stay behind and be left at his house I guess the fact that I ddidn’twant to do something meant very little compared with my grandfather dying. I don’t know how long I stayed there but I think it wasabout a week. He did whatever he pleased with me then. The smell is till so strong. But still I don’t remember where I was, my head must have been somewhere else because whilst I can remember the things that occurred I don’t remember what I did to stop him, I don’t remember pushing him off, I don’t remember being scared like hell, I remember afterwards  being hurt so badly, I remember the bruises on my arms from him grabing me so tightly.    But what if I didn’t do anything to get him off me, what if I really did want him to do this. Idont remember that. That’s about the only thing that I want to know, I just want to get rid of all of the other stuff, I don’t want to remember it. Tonight was the first time I felt really pissed at him. I wanted to  just get a bat and belt the hell out of him, put a pair of steel cap boots on and just crush his bones. Because of this, because people found out, I lost a lot of people my grandmother, my aunts some cousins, some uncles,some family that I didn’t even meet, but before tonight Ididnt care because every time I thought of them I thought of him. The very thought of him still makes me vomit today. I really hate him for that. I hate him for taking pieces of me that I liked, for taking pieces of me that I hadnt even discovered yet, I hate him for making me feel like a horrible person every second of my life.I hate him. I hate him a lot. Ever since that day when my family went away I have never been the same person again. I thinkmy mother thinks I am just pissed at her for leaving me behind.But really,   whatever – All I know is that that was the worst time of my life. During the time they were away my grandfather died. I never cried then, I have never cried again since that time, that is until tonight. I feel myself slowly regaining things in my life – my person is beginning to find herself, I am beginning to feel again. Maybe that’s good  who knows?
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Cheryl
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Buckle up and Hang on!

Posts: 463
Massachusetts
Gender: female
Re: Starting to put it behind me
Reply #1 - Mar 17th, 2003 at 6:33am
 
I think it is great that you are starting to find yourself and to feel.  For so long we shut ourselves down.  We don't feel, we don't know how to feel or to express our feelings.  I think that's pretty sad when we don't know how to feel or think or do much of anything else regarding emotions.

Sounds to me like you recognized the fact that it did really happen...you are pissed...you deserve to be pissed and to have such feelings.  I myself just realized last week a couple of things myself regarding my abuse and I was pretty pissed at my cousin.  It was the first time for me that I felt such anger.  I enjoyed it!

Hang in there!

Love and hugs to you

~  Cheryl
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