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ashamed of myself....triggering?? (Read 3129 times)
Robin033
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ashamed of myself....triggering??
Mar 17th, 2003 at 3:31am
 
I had a rough weekend this weekend and what I am about to post is NOT an easy thing for me to do.  But, I feel I have to, I have to get this out in the open and off of my chest because I feel so ashamed and its really eating at me.

I went out Saturday nite with my husband and couple of our friends.  We went to a bar and yes I ended up getting drunk.  Normally when we would go out to the bars I would only drink a couple of beers and then I would always switch over to my soda.  I would always do this because at one time in my life I had problems with my drinking.  But yesterday I realized that the last few times I've went out I've been drinking VERY heavily and once I get back home I have 4 or 5 more shots of whiskey or what ever else I may have here in the house.  The reason why I'm so ashamed of this, this time, is because my 9y/o daughter was home.  She woke up after I returned home because of all the noise we were making.  A friend of mine came back to stay the night with us. My daughter has NEVER seen me drunk and yesterday she began to tell me some things I did that I don't even remember doing.  She told me that I fell in the kitchen floor three times and I opened a can of beer and spilt it all over the place when I fell, and she tried cleaning it up for me. I also had 4 or 5 more shots in front of her.  My friend told me that I started talking about my abuse ALOT during this time.  I don't remember ANY of this and I can only imagine what my daughter was thinking and what was goin through her head.  I'm sure she was pretty scared. And I'm sooo ashamed of this and hate myself for what I did and the affect that it could have on HER.  I NEVER wanted her to see me that way.  All the other times she was always gone and I can't believe I did this knowing that she was home. I feel like I'm such a terrible mother right now, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.

And then to top this all off, I also had a terrible flashback yesterday morning.  My husband and I don't have sex very often, it's been a few weeks till yesterday.  But yesterday when we did, it was like he wasn't there, it was like my father was there instead of him, does this make sense?? During this time I just laid there and didn't move, it was like I COULDN'T move.  I just laid there staring at the ceiling and started zoning out, like I wasn't actually there but somewhere else. It was like with every movement he made it was my father instead of him. During this time it was like I had these feelings inside me like I really wanted to hurt him. I was actaully having images of ways to hurt him till my husband spoke and brought me back to reality and I realized it was him instead of my father. I'm not sure if my husband sensed there was something wrong or what, but he said that he wasn't feeling well and had to stop, then he rolled over and went to sleep.  I tried to talk to him later about this and what happened, but as soon as I brought up that I was having a flashback he changed the subject quickly by saying how sick he was feeling at that time and had to stop. So I just dropped the subject with him and tried to let it go. But I can't let it go, it's really bothering me and I can't get those images and the feelings out of my head. I haven't seen my therapist since January because she has been out with surgery and should be back with in this week or next. Before she left she DID give me some names and numbers or other therapists that I could go to or talk to if I needed them.  But I keep waiting for her to come back instead cause I really don't want to have to go through telling everything all over again to a perfect stranger. This may have not of been a wise choice I made but it's very hard for me right now.  I do hope she comes back very soon, I really need someone to talk to right now.  So I came here to spill all of this out and try to get some of it off of my chest. Thank you for hearing me out and for listening to all of this.

Robin
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Tamar
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Re: ashamed of myself....triggering??
Reply #1 - Mar 17th, 2003 at 5:51am
 
Dear ((Robin)), I really wish that I had some brilliant thing to say to youright now to make you feel much better, but I dont really know what to say apar from everyone really does make mistakes and you are allowed to make them every now and then. So whilst I can understand that you wouldnt want youre daughter to to see youlike that, perhaps you could just work on making it better for her now. Perhaps it could be a good idea to use one of those other numbers rather than waiting for youre therapist to get back. I am sorry you are feeling thisway and I hope by the time you read this you have began to feel somewhat better. Tamar
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Cheryl
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Re: ashamed of myself....triggering??
Reply #2 - Mar 17th, 2003 at 6:47am
 
Hey (((sweetie))),

Don't beat yourself up.  What's done is done and you can't regret your past . . . You can only move forward and make the future what you want it to be.

You have a wonderful relationship with your daughter and your a wonderful mother.  NO one is perfect and we all make mistakes.  Maybe you could sit down with your daughter and talk to her about what happened??  I know its easier said than done.  Yesterday I just explained to my kids about my meetings and what I do at them, I have been going to these meetings for 4 months.  They thought it was good, asked me if the meetings helped, I told them I haven't drank for 60 days and they thought that was pretty cool.  Your daughter might have some questions, you bringing it up could help.

You know I'm here for you.  If you are questioning yourself about the drinking and worried about falling back into your drinking past....you might want to check out a few meetings or get some literature to read.

As for your flashbacks and how you are feeling now and not seeing a therapist, keep trying to talk to your husband.  Try to get him to listen to you.   There's a really good possibility he has no clue as to what's going on with you and your thoughts and he could be pretty confused right now.  Remember our husbands are not mind readers....something I'm learning in therapy.  Go figure... Wink

Anyway, I'm here for you no matter the time of day you need me.

Love and hugs to you!

Cheryl
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ARN
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((((HUGS TO YOU ROBIN))))
Reply #3 - Mar 17th, 2003 at 7:44am
 

My dear & sweet Robin......

I just read your posting, First of all, I think you are a wonderfull person, and working darn hard to survive your past, and I think you are doing a great job considering the odds you are up against.....
I feel your pain and anxiaty within your words..
I am so happy you came to the board and spilt your hearts pain out..... scream/yell (in a cousion) it helped me....

I wished I could take away your darn flashbacks, specialy in a relationship it is hard to combine intimasy/sex with a past of abuse...... The flashback and the moment of it, during sex must have been awfull & hard..... I realy hope you can talk about it with your husband..... Feelings and man do not allways combine well specialy when abuse is involved....I can tell remember that talking is the way for both of you.....
My last relationship broke up because of the problems of my past, I did not knew than at that time what was causing me to act as I did.
My abuse did reflect badly on my relationship, the way we talked, and sex aswell.........
It is not an easy road, and as you wrote to me the your road of live did not stop.... you slammed into an very heavy brik wall....... and I feel the hurt and pain this is causing you....

Please be not to hard for yourself, it has happend, you can not chance it..... What you can do now is to colour your life in as you wish it would be..... I think you are a great mother and you Love your daugter very very much...... And I agree with Cheryl, talk with your daughter about it, let her tell you what she thinks, the feelings she had at the moment she saw you drunk..... and remember I think you have a sweet daughter cause she even tried to clean up some of the damage, I guess she somhow understood you where not able to at the moment..... Children can handle more than we think, it is the way it is told to them which is important.... and since you Love her so much I think you will do it with much care & Love.......

One more thing about your therapy... You have been waiting for her to return.... if you realy want to wait you know where to find us  Wink My therapist told me that visiting this board is for me much better than all the therapy she could over me..... cause we all share the same road, the same pain... we know, my therapist could /can only imagine how it whould have been..... Does not mean we do not need a therapist, it means I... We are here for you now and the days to come if you want spil your heart out do it, if you seek advice or feedback... ask.....

In the mean time, my thoughts are with you, I will check in some more.... we are not leaving you alone girl!!!

And please again do not be to hard on yor self, you are a wonderfull person with much courage cause you dare to survive and to come to the board and share your inner feelings and private matters with us and to ask for help........

May your days to come be filt with happieness, Love and Respect........and remember we Love you!!!!

(((Big hugs))) to you Robin and to your Inner child.......

journeying.... ARN




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Matanah
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Re: ashamed of myself....triggering??
Reply #4 - Mar 17th, 2003 at 7:42pm
 
Dear Robin,
You are clearly carrying too much "on your plate" to handle alone at this time. This is quite obvious by the fact that you've been looking for an escape from your feelings with your recent drinking. It's also absolutely normal for us to become a little "undone" when we've been away from therapy for a substantial time period. If your therapist is not able to see you again on a regular basis within the next week to two, I would definately consider usung one of the numbers she left you on a temporary basis. Believe me, I KNOW what a drag it is having to tell tour story over and over, always to someone new, but the other side of that coin is staying where you are right now, and I don't think that's where you want to be.
Forgive yourself , Robin. Forgive yourself for drinking to the point where you don't remember what you did(we, who have been involved with alcohol, have ALL been there, and all woken up to those feelings of shame the next day).
About your daughter having seen this, we all make mistakes Robin, and if you can learn from this, then there is a very positive aspect to what happened as well. Your daughter knows you as the good and caring mother that you are, as this is how she habitually sees you. To see you drunk, falling down a couple of times, etc., is not the "you" that she knows or is used to. If you think you have to repair the "effect" that seeing you like this has had on her, then do so. Sit down with her and talk to her from your heart about what happened. You'll know what to say.
Re: sex with your husband and the flashbacks that you had while with him....as I said, you're carying a very heavy load, and it's coming out in every aspect of your life. Get back to therapy, one way or the other, be gentle with yourself, and forgive yourself for making a simple mistake. We all forgive you and love you. Doesn't that tell you something about who you are?!
Love and hugs,
Here for you always, Matanah.
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In Loving Light,&&Matanah
 
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