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Wanted to say hi (Read 2645 times)
Cheryl
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Buckle up and Hang on!

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Massachusetts
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Wanted to say hi
Mar 15th, 2003 at 9:18am
 
Hi everyone!

I just wanted to say hi on this Saturday (because I can now!)  I'm thinking of you all.

I'm in a place of confusion and restlesness.  I still have those uneasy feelings in the pit of my stomach.  Also, I realized yesterday that what my cousin did to me was all premeditated and that really pissed me off....not that it should matter, but I guess the thought of knowing he was going to do it sickens me. 

He used to say all the time BEFORE the abuse started that "incest is best, put your family through the test".  A friend of mine said so basically it was premeditated and I looked at it in a whole different way.  Another friend said maybe this was his way of preparing you for it.  So WOW...many revelations and different things to think about. 

The anger is growing and I want it all out!  I no longer wan't to keep secrets.  I want everyone to know what a filthy son of a bitch he is.  I will no longer protect him.  I think it's time to talk to my mom and get it all out of me.  Maybe then, her and I can also patch up some of our own relationship and start a new one together once she knows who I really am.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Love and hugs to you all!

Cheryl


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Matanah
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Re: Wanted to say hi
Reply #1 - Mar 15th, 2003 at 1:58pm
 
Hi back,
Thinking of you too. How nice that you can post on week ends again! I've been missing you.
I'm sorry to hear about your feelings of uneasiness and anger, but it's perfectly understandable and "normal" under the circumstances. About those uncomfortable feelings that persist in the 'pit of your stomach', I think you already have a pretty good idea of what my thoughts are concerning those feelings so I'm not going to repeat myself just to take up space.
About your cousins 'actions' being pre-meditated, I'd say that's par for the course in MOST sexual abuse cases, and no matter how often he so arrogantly chanted ," incest is the best, put your.......", no one can be "pepared?" for such an atrocity,  for such a straight forward violation of ones being. You may have been put through abuse on a physical level, but it clearly caused unspeakable pain to, and left deep scars in,every aspect of your being, intellectual, emotional, physical, and Spiritual. How could you not feel outrage about this?!!
I think you're completely right in telling your mother, once and for all, PROVIDED you have a solid support system behind you, besides this site. Naturally we will all be here for you , always, but you have no idea what the outcome of telling your mother about this will be. In the best of cases she will be supportive and compassionate, but you don't know for sure what her reaction will be, which could very well be why you've been so reluctant to tell her. Either way, you'd be wise to have support that you can rely on close by just in case you want/need to talk to someone, no matter how things turn out.
I don't mean to sound negative, but I wouldn't invest too much energy in the hopes of starting a new, healthy, closer relationship with your mother as a result of telling her about the abuse. I'm not saying it can't or won't happen, I'm saying don't expect too much, wait and see what happens. I can talk to you more about this off board or on the phone if you want. I'd also talk to my therapist about my intentions if I were you(which I'm not, of course). BTW, I haven't heard you speaking about therapy in a while. Are you still seeing your therapist? Let me know what's going on in that area if you're comfortable sharing it with me, that is.
Post or e mail me if you feel like it. Otherwise, I hope your feelings have a chance to 'balance out' a little over the week end, so that if you do decide to do any "confronting", you do it with both feet planted firmly on the ground, self assured and in control. That's the only way to do it!!
Be good to yourself sister!,
Journying with you,
your friend, Matanah xx
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In Loving Light,&&Matanah
 
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Re: Wanted to say hi
Reply #2 - Mar 15th, 2003 at 2:58pm
 

Dear Cheryl, how are you now....
It seems I am not the only one having a hard time.
Dealing with shame & loyalties is part of the issues facing me.... and you to dear Cheryl, and the matters you are facing are difficult, and it is wise to reflect on the questions you are facing.....

You asked for some thoughts about want you intent to do, to tell you family what has happend...

Well the most important is, for me that would be , does it give you freedom in the long run if you tell your family, and will stop protecting your cousin by opening your mouth and give voice to the wounds of the past,
It seems you to, like I did, had/have deep feelings of imprisonment, and there is something which want to come out.....

What about loyalty????/ Question dear Cheryl, why is it you never told your mother? What is the deeper reason, shame?, fear?, distrust?.....
You said that you hope by telling your mother that the relationship between you will change for the better, I hope it will, it can do harm aswell, you never can predict the reaction of others.....
Does it help you to tell, to open up, you have been silant about your abuse towards your family, and it seems to me you made up your mind allready to tell them.....

You have my support Cheryl in what ever choice you will make, but I think openness, honesty & justice is what is knocking at your door of reality, cause this is what shines through the lines of your words, you want justice to be done, you want recognision for what has happend and is still happening to you every day.......

These thoughts come to me when I think of your story & question of what to do..... I hope it will be of help on your path......

Dear Cheryl, all the best to you, it is not an easy part of the road you are traveling on, I know the darn feeling, but as I found out again lately we are not alone in our struggle, we have each other to turn to, and that is something special to be happy about....

With Love & Respect, Your friend & brother ARN





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Fellow Travelor on the Inner Voyage of Healing
 
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Tamar
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Re: Wanted to say hi
Reply #3 - Mar 15th, 2003 at 9:18pm
 
Hi Cheryl, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I think that you must be ready at this time to take such a big step. Whilst I am not sure what your mothers reactions would be, I would hope she will at least realise that your problem is not with her, and perhaps in that respect your relationship will be bought closer together. I wish you all the courage in taking such a step, whenever that may be. Like Matanah said, make sure you have a lot of support and do what you feel most comfortable with. Safe hugs and respect Tamar.

PS keep us posted and write as much as you need. I hope you begin to feel at ease soon.
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