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Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!) (Read 4206 times)
ARN
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Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!)
Mar 13th, 2003 at 3:23pm
 

Dear friends

Looking at the board I realized I did not post about myself for a while..... now I am starting to write I realize I do not want to write  ??? There has been so much changes so much transformation, it hurts.....

I feel smashed... but still I am in one piece, I feel sad and in pain, but I do not get tears.......... I feel strong & combative but I  feel the tears in me, but.......
My emotions are racing through my body, can not slow down, even not in my prayers & meditation.... while my thoughts I can stop easiely.....

but the emotions, they come out like a never ending vulcano....... it hurts...... cause I realize these feelings need a voice...and that is why I came to the board tonight... to see if I can voice these inner feelings of pain......

I am not desperate or see no way out...... just feel pain, emotional & fysical.......
I came a long way, people tell me I even look better  Smiley , and I am more relaxed  Smiley , I meet new people in my live  Smiley ........... but why are the tears  pushing so hard.....

I have a  feeling in me, a thought about my self......
If I read the life stories of others I get a feeling of shame..... that my story is not so heavy, I feel guilt cause what happend to me is not that much I think,

than I realize, hey but why does it hurts, why all this flashbacks and these memory gapes??.......
maybe I still did not accept it that I was abused and call the incest a kind of play..... and tell myself that the other times with the swimmaster for instance did not happen or is not so wrong as it looks, as it seems.....

Am I exaggerating??? my head, my memories tell me I am not, but my feelings are in so much doubt it was not all to bad then I tell myself..... but then as a child  I did not feel abused, but I do now....... and that is confussing to me...........


I feel aswell angry, some so called friends told me they are afraid of me....... one of them was so scared see even did not want to see or speak to me.... this because I am dealing with my past and maybe I could lose control and hurt one of them??? This is a small group of people ( I said good bye to them) other people tell me the opposite, I feel I will and do not want to hurt other people..... but to hear this is realy a mind crappity smack cause I am still fragile in my self esteem, and this is not doing me good........
So I learning my real friends, and the pain of this will go I know, of this transformation period, and the new things I see, but hte old is still pulling me under sometimes, I think I am there, and than  a firm sting in my soul, and I am trown back...... I doubt my self, my past, my struggle...... and this gives me anger tonight, and I want to show my teeth and growl  Angry   

well I guess this is part of surviving, I realy needed to get these emotions out.... I know there is more I want to tell.... but I am not ready..... feel insecure...... but I know I can talk to you about myself, I know I will be accepted as I am, with my past and all..... buin my back of my mind I know I still are struggeling with an other thing, which is seen often as a taboo.... maybe soon I will find the inner strenght to give this taboo a voice to..... I realy hope so, it causes much havoc in me lately...I hope I make some sence now.....

Thank you all for listening...... ARN





















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Ty
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Re: Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!)
Reply #1 - Mar 13th, 2003 at 10:39pm
 
((((Hugs)))) to you dear Arn. I can tell that you are having a difficult night...to say the least.

I am sorry to here that you had to say good-bye to your friends, but I hope that you have others that are there for you. You definitely need friends to help you and support you.

You know, the feelings you are experiencing aren't really 'crazy'. There were many times when I was so mad or upset but I couldn't cry. And, there were times where I felt things were good but yet I was still experiencing pain. There were also times (still now) where I question the abuse and wonder if it really happened. And, I also find myself 'comparing' my abuse to what others have experienced...there are so many that had it so much worse than I did.

The bottom line through all of it is this: It is real and if it hurts you it matters.
For me I had to come to the understanding that I was violated just as others have been violated. My violation may have been different, maybe not as 'bad' or as long or maybe it wasn't a close relative. But, the truth is, I was violated and once a person is violated there is no turning back from that...I was robbed of my dignity, my emotions, my personal thoughts...I was robbed of just about everything. To this day I am still affected in some way by what took place in my life.
This doesn't mean that what happened to you was any worse or any better. Abuse is ugly and it runs deep, causing pain and destruction wherever it goes. I think a lot of healing from abuse is coming up against these questions of 'was it really true?' 'am I making this out to be more than it really was?' 'man, but they had it so much worse.' All that doesn't matter. What matters is that you realize something was taken from you that you never offered. Once you realize that you can continue to work through those emotions of anger, resentment, pain and sorrow. It's like realizing someone killed you but you never knew it before. Now you have to recognize that you have been dead inside and are desiring to awaken that person and bring them back to life...because you have something knew for them...you know things that you didn't know before and you feel stronger now than you did before. You are a different person and you get all excited to share that with the child that died so long ago.

That's where my healing truly began...in waking up that child. I know that you have woken that child up...I love hearing of your child's fun-filled days. But, there are times when we feel that we aren't good enough and that our 'children' don't deserve us...that we can't pull through for them. But, we can. The voice you are hearing tell you that is the voice of abuse...you can't do it, no one will believe you, etc. None of this is true. So many people believe. So many people know that you can do this and keep doing it.

You have every right to be in this 'funk' and to not know whether to cry or to be so angry because the tears are pressing but they just won't come.
To be honest, on days like that I would just rent a movie that really made me cry so I could get it out.

Just know that we are here for you ARN. And, although I know we all have our 'opinions' in life I also know that we love and respect each other wherever they are in their journey. Know that if you are desiring to share something you can share it...but only when you feel safe. Don't feel guilty if you don't feel safe. There are things that I have never shared because I just don't feel I can (mainly because it involves people with whom are regretful of what took place and I don't want to hurt them in anyway). But, when you are ready we are here.

I hope that by the time you read this you will have found some peace to the struggle happening within you. Know that you are being thought of...by many.

Journeying,

Ty
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Re: Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!)
Reply #2 - Mar 13th, 2003 at 11:30pm
 
Arn, my dear friend,
I can feel the pain you are struggling with through your words and the energy that they emit.I'm sorry you are experiencing this period. Emotions NEED to be expressed though, so express, express, express... Put your head in your pillow and scream as loud as you can for as long as you can. The pillow should muffle the sound enough so that no one really hears anything. If you are close to a beach, or even a pool, put your face into the water and do the same thing...SCREAM... the water will cover the sound. You can do the same if you have acsess to some place in the woods, where there are no people around for miles. Just go into the woods and start yelling and screaming about anything and everthing in your life that you're angry about. Scream at anyone you want to, yell at the Universe if you need to...just get it all out, don't leave this pain and these emotions sitting inside of you to begin poisoning your system! Then you'll never find your way back. Stay on track! There are people who care about you , so do it for them/us if you can't do it for yourself right now. Please!!
There are many other things that I have to say to you, including the 'problem' that you are not comfortable to open up about right now, I'm sure I understand you more than you think I do. We will speak much more through e mail. Right now it is late and I have to be up again in some hours to be at an early apointment.
I just wanted to leave this post in the meantime so that you know I'm always here for you, and you don't have to feel all this pain alone!!!
E mail me ASAP, and if I don't hear from you by Saturday, I'll e mail you. Until then, use the strength that you still have, and you have more than you know, and let C.W. carry the load until we speak.
I know you'll manage. You have too much Loving Energy headed your way not too!!(BTW, it is normal, when you're feeling intense emotional pain, too feel it all over the body too. Emotional pain can also be physical. This is part of what makes it so difficult to fo through, not only does your "heart and soul" hurt, but your entire body is in pain as well. Many people don't understand that emotional pain IS also physical!!!)
Keep that horse riding at a steady pace, he needs his excercise!
Until we speak again,
Friend and sister,
Matanah
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Re: Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!)
Reply #3 - Mar 14th, 2003 at 2:19am
 
One more thing, ARN, 'only through emotions can you encounter the forcefield of your own soul'.
Matanah xx
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Re: Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!)
Reply #4 - Mar 14th, 2003 at 6:42am
 
My Dearest ((ARN))

You definately need a (((HUG))).  Ty and Matanah said so much to you, I'm not really sure what else to say that isn't pretty much the same.  I cried as I read you post, feeling so much pain in your words.  I have felt the same pain as you are feeling now.  So many times I felt so much of the pain but the tears would not come.  For me, I feel that this happens because I have cried so many times, because of what happened to me and what was taken for me, that at times there just aren't anymore tears.  It's kinda like no matter how sad and upset I am, I cannot cry the tears because they have been all dried up and no tears are left in my soul. But that doesn't mean that the pain isn't there just as strong as ever. 
You mentioned that you read other people stories and you feel yours is not so heavy.  Arn, you cannot compare your story to others.  It doesn't matter what other's story is compared to your own.  The pain still runs just as deep and it all has the same effect on us all.  It doesn't matter how severe the abuse was or how often it took place, etc.  The fact is, no matter how little or how much abuse we have all went through, it still hurts just as bad and leaves us just as scarred as the next person.  I too use to compare my story to others and sometimes I feel that mine wasn't as bad as theirs and maybe I shouldn't even be in here. But then I realized and I told myself,  NOOOOO  I WAS still abused and I've been through soooo much hell because of it and I deserve and need the support, encouragement, and the help just as much as anyone else.  I guess the bottom line is this, PLEASE don't try comparing your story to others, it can cause alot of the confusion and add more pain to your soul. And your soul is in enough pain as it is so why add to that pain.  Not sure if I'm saying this where it makes sense.
I'm really sorry to hear about the friends that left you. I also know how that feels and how much it can hurt you and your self-esteem.  But if they were truely your friends they would've stuck beside you and always be there for you. So perhaps you're better off not having them in your life, especially rite now with all that you are going through. You need and derserve the friends that are understanding and wants to help and support you and be there for you at all times.  And when you feel that you want to show your teeth and growl, then do it!! You never know, it may help make you feel better more than you realize.  I'm sure it will definately help get some of that anger out.
I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just babbling on with you. Please know that I am ALWAYS here for you at all times, and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.  Arn, you have a beautiful and wonderful soul, and you are very much respected and loved here.  I will definately keep you in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day.

Safe Love and Hugs,
Your traveling sister and friend,
Robin
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Re: Guilt & pain needed a voice (triggering?!)
Reply #5 - Mar 14th, 2003 at 7:10am
 
(((ARN))),

((((HUGS TO YOU))))!!

Your words touched me deeply.  Oh the pain and confusion all this abused has caused you/us.  I know where you are right now.  I think at this time you and I are in the same place.  I also have been questioning my abuse...maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe it wasn't abuse???  Nahhh...let's quit kidding ourselves.  WE WERE ABUSED and it sucks!!  We feel the pain, we had our inner child taken from us!! 

I can't say much more than one the rest of our group has said..Robin makes complete sense...  Don't compare your story with others..you were abused and you were hurt and feel it all the time..What happened to you or me or Robin or Matanah or Ty or Bespina, or Tamar or Jesica, or anyone else is different but it all counts. 

We all love and care for you.  Please know we are all here for you, thinking of you...

Also, Matanah's advice helps...SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM!!!  Let it out.

Love and hugs to you my sweet brother.

Cheryl
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(((HUGS TO MY SWEET SISTERS)))
Reply #6 - Mar 14th, 2003 at 5:43pm
 

My dearest Sisters, thank you so much for your words & feelings.....
Yesterday I realy had it, and it realy helped to write about how I was feelling about myself and my abuse.....

I was realy wondering if I was making some sence.....
To my honest suprise I saw I did....

I sneaked out of work to check my mail at home  Grin and yes dear Ty & Matanah it helped me soooo much to read your postings, and reading yours to my dear Cheryl & Robin.....

Your reactions where so sweet, helpfull & comforting...... I start to realize more and more that I am abused, that something is taken away from me, and I notice I can accept this better now, and this because by sharing my inner thoughts & feelings with you  Kiss I also am so enourmes gratefull, for knowing you, and I learned so much from you all, and realy understand more now of myself and how to deal with my abuse and what it did to me, your reactions are full of helpfull ideas, so much to think of, and yes I will read many times your reactions, and most of all, I will SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!, the pillow Idea helped Matanah  Wink and it realy reliefs me deeply!!! I will let it all come down....

Now I feel still nomb.... but not as battered as yesterday, and my Inner child is still standing, ...... and is playing again.
Against all odds, the Celtic Warrior in me roars and is traveling on, and I realy have to thank you for this!!!!  Kiss

I know & feel the comming days will not be easy, but I want to bear through, I realy want to curl up, to go to bed and to have some kind of long long wintersleep..... and I want it all to go away, but when I wake up it still will be there all the pain, the memories of abuse....... and your kind & warming feelings and words......

I do not feel much, but I feel united with you........


And realy I was realy supprised by your reactions, to read that I am not alone in the shame I feel, in comparing my story and saying well it was not that bad..... Your words realy made sence, and I know now I can not compare stories......
The bottum line indeed is this, I was abused ( augh) and it still hurts deep...... to accept this now will be painfull, but healty in the end............

Thank you all, you made so much sence, and.....  well I want to pay you my respect for sharing your own feelings,....... no words..... but I have a smile on my face if I think of you......

Later more, after all your words and all this will sink in, I know I have to struggle still with this, but I know and feel I am not alone.....
thank you for being there my dear Sisters

With Love, Respect & Gratitude,
your Traveling brother, ARN




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