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Feeling uneasy (Read 2738 times)
Cheryl
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Feeling uneasy
Mar 11th, 2003 at 6:34am
 
Hi everyone...

I just needed to get this out of me...for some reason the past few days I have been feeling extremely uneasy.  I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I feel really nervous and can't seem to get my emotions together.

Yesterday my mother really upset me too and I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and that I needed to hang up.  She called me back a little while later but I wouldn't answer the phone and I am feeling extremely defiant right now.

One minute I feel like I'm okay and I feel like I'm on top of the world and can conquer anything and I feel like getting into some trouble.  I feel like being defiant and doing whatever it is that I want to do with no regards to anyone else.  The next minute I feel at my lowest and it doesn't take much to get me crying and the depression will overwhelm me AGAIN.

I am feeling completely out of sorts.

Thanks for listening.

Travelling with you, safe love and hugs

~  Cheryl
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Ty
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Eastern Oregon
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Re: Feeling uneasy
Reply #1 - Mar 11th, 2003 at 1:40pm
 
Dearest Cheryl,

First, a big ((((Hug)))) to you.

I remember going through emotions where I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling...and that feeling in the pit of your stomach is all to familiar as well.

I don't know why those emotions crop up. You may not be wanting answers but possibly just wanted someone to listen. I want you to know that I hear ya on this one and that I remember feeling this way...and there are still days when I feel the same (defiant, anxious, nervous, sad/upset).

The difference between when I feel it now and when I felt it 'then' is the fact that now I can 'get a grip' on my feelings...where as then I couldn't quite figure out what was going on...like I was on a roller coaster.
I think when we are in the middle of our journey with the ugliest part of our life we have our emotions all mixed up. I know for me I wasn't sure what anger really was as I had never really experienced it or expressed it. Actually, there were many emotions that I wasn't truly 'connected with'. I was so busy 'being happy' and faking it through life that I didn't really know how to display my real emotion...let alone know what my true emotions were.
In jumping through anxiety, sadness, anger, defiance (feeling crazy?) you are basically getting in touch with your real emotions. It is like seeing color for the first time. You have to get to know what each color is. Then as you get to know each color you can begin to learn that each color is significant for something. Pretty soon the colors become familiar and you are able to use them to create pictures. It takes time to coordinate and learn what is appropriate and what isn't, how much of what color, etc.
These feelings you are experiencing are very similar. As a survivor of sexual abuse you go through the realization that you don't really know what your feelings are. You have spent most your life either pretending you feel opposite of what you do or you are told to feel a way that you don't feel, or you don't feel at all because it is easier to just go through life 'numb.' In healing we have to get in touch with our feelings and in that we have to learn how to express, when to use, and how much to use of our emotions. Sometimes things get out of control...the paint is flying everywhere. This is okay...and at the same time it can be scary feeling so out of control. But, know that this is part of the process.

Something that helped me through this, and many other things, was to write down what I was feeling...whatever it was. Use whatever words you need to use to express your feeling. If you don't feel like writing but would rather use art or other form of expression, do it. Do whatever you need to do to truly express what you are feeling. As you 'get acquainted' with each feeling you will become more 'even keel' with everything. So, for now, be gentle on yourself and continue to trust your instincts (proud of you for saying no when you didn't want to talk to your mom...that is okay!).

I hope that this was somewhat helpful.

Also, thanks (as always) for you continued support here, and your daily motivators. Your presence is a blessing.

Journeying,

Ty
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ARN
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(((((Hugs to you))))
Reply #2 - Mar 11th, 2003 at 2:41pm
 

My dear Cheryl, HUGS to you
these darn feeling swings are no fun.... as you know, good to know you can share it here with us and feel save enough to do so....... and keep letting your emotions come out, that is good they are yours, and you are welkom as you are......

These emotions you desribe are so recognizable, I to still got them, although my medication is helping me a lot now a days, but what you are going through is very confussing...... please take care the comming days, and remember you are in my eyes a wonderfull person, and you do deserve all the good in the world....

Sometimes in my experiance these mood swings are sings of a greater transformation/ change.... but Inner growth does not mean it is not pain full....

I wished I good take these moods away, but I know I can not.......be nice to your self the comming days..... and do not blame yourself or feel ashamed for feeling like you do.... you are welkom in my live as you are.....................Keep looking in this Mirror of your Soul..

(((With Lovingfull Supportive HUGS)))...... ARN






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Robin033
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Re: Feeling uneasy
Reply #3 - Mar 12th, 2003 at 4:00pm
 
((Cheryl))

I read your post, and to be honest with you, my mind is drawing a blank rite now and not really sure what to say.  But I just wanted to leave something for you so you know that I'm thinking of you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Hang in there, I know what you are feeling all to well. 

Love and Hugs,
Your sister and friend,
Robin
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