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mother still working with young kids (Read 2600 times)
Raychel
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mother still working with young kids
Mar 8th, 2003 at 4:39pm
 
hi, im raychel. I'm 19 and am trying to recover from the sexual abuse put on me from the age of three until...im not sure to be honest. i only remember my life from the age of 13. I have tidbits from before then. I don't have any support from my mother, since she's the one who did some of this to me. After i began to remember when i was 18, she denied that anything ever happened to me. that she was molested when she was little and never acted the way i did. also that there was no proof that anything happened to me. i never remembered much of the things with her until i was finally out of her house that same year. my father passed away this past july and my mother kicked me out in august. I still have not seen her. I am now pregnant with my own child and am still dealing with flashbacks. But being pregnant is one of the best things in the world, my fiance and I are happy to raise our child a better way then we were raised and be better parents.  my mother works with young children, i remember things from when i was little, that i saw as a little girl. I'm not sure how i should go about this. any advice?
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Robin033
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Re: mother still working with young kids
Reply #1 - Mar 9th, 2003 at 7:43am
 
Hi Raychel,

First, Welcome to the board. All who are here have been sexually molested/abused. So we all understand the confusion and pain you are going through. And I can feel it in your words.
As far as your ? goes, first thing is first, and that's taking care of YOU.  If you haven't already, I advise you to find a good therapist and set up counseling for yourself.  You can not handle everything from your past on your own.  You will/do need help sorting it all out and dealing with it all.  And a good therapist will be there for you and help you through these tough times.  All though please remember that we are ALL here for you at all times to help you and support you through it all.
As far as you Mother goes, it's not a good thing that she's working with children after what she's done to you. If you are worried about this, and you should be, maybe warn the parents of the kids or her employer. That's just an idea.  I honestly don't know for sure what I would do, if I was in the situation.  But I DO know that I would feel very awkward and upset knowing what she's capable of and knowing she's around children all the time. You have to think about this and make your own decision on how you want to handle it.  No one can tell you what to do or make that decision for you.  I believe deep down in your heart you already know what you need and should do, it's just up to you to actually do it.  I do know and realize how much easier it is to talk about it than actually doing it.  But you know what the rite thing to do is.
And as far as her saying, she was molested when she was little and never acted the way you do, well I've heard the same words from my step mother who raised me.  But the thing is (and obviously they don't realize) is everyone is different, and handles each situation in a different way.  That DOES NOT mean that it didn't happen to you.  I think that may be just their way of not facing the truth and making it easier on themselves to deny it all.  I'm not saying that makes it rite because it doesn't, actually it's a very selfish and inconsiderate thing for them to do.  And it leaves you feeling really upset, hurt, unwanted and unloved.  But always remember there ARE people, out there and here, who DO care for you.  And I think you'll make a wonderful mother, congrats on your pregnancy.
Remeber we are all here for you anytime you need us. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Safe Love and Hugs,
Traveling together,
Robin
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Matanah
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Re: mother still working with young kids
Reply #2 - Mar 9th, 2003 at 10:33am
 
Hi Raychel,
I just read your post and I'd like to welcome you to the board. You've certainly come to the right place as far as getting support, feedback etc., regarding the abuse you've suffered through and your present situation.
All of us here have lived through the same thing at the hands of our fathers, mothers, relatives, family friends, and others. We can all relate to the pain you've had to live through and we will all support you in every way that we can. Everyone here is kind and compassionate.
I want to say, personaly, that I'm so srry for the abuse you've had to live through, it's a devastating experience, especially when our own parent has been the abuser! I too experienced this type of abominable abuse by my father, at a very young age , as yourself.
  Congratulations on your pregnancy!, it sounds like it's a positive force in your life,especially since(it sounds like) you'll have a supportive partner by your side throughout this time. There is no doubt that you need as much support as you can get, along with  therapy (by a therapist who is experienced with sexual abuse survivors, as you are truly a survivor!) to heal from the abuse . If not for the fact that you are pregnant, I'd suggest that you try finding a therapist ASAP. However,
therapy can be a very difficult and painful process, adding stresses to your life that would not be the easy or the best thing for you in your current situation. Pregnancy alone has it's own stress and difficulties and it is also a situation in which you should have some form of support. Of course being pregnant also brings on many feelings of joy, excitement, and harmony. I'm just saying that , in my opinion , the combination of going through pregnancy(I'm asuming it's your first?) and simultaneously starting  therapy would be much too difficult to go through. The most important thing right now is you're health and the health of your baby. You don't need any complications at this time. As I said, you should definately have some kind of support, and you can certainly find it here, especially since you're having flashbacks and seem to be remembering more and more of the abuse , now that you're away from your mother. You might also think about taking a pre-natal course with your partner, so that you are as comfortable as possible during your pregnancy and at the time of birth.
That would also provide you with some support during pregnancy.  I understand that your mother is completely unsupportive, since she denies that anything ever happened to begin with!! This infuriates me, but is unfortunately typical of our abusers. I got the same thing from my mother about her boyfriend abusing me after my father was out of the picture, and have not had a healthy relationship with her for years now. As painful as it is to feel like you have no family(I'm sorry about you fathers passing) , in the long run we are much better off without people who've caused us such pain in our lives. As grown women, we are fre to choose and create our own families. Be it with friends, our partner and children of our own, or both. It's unfortunate that your mother never got the help that she needed, as it is in these cases that an abused child may easily grow up and continue the cycle of abuse with their own children. I see that you are determined to break the cycle of abuse though. You clearly have a tremendous amount of courage and strength.
As far as your mother still working with children goes, I can understand how disturbing this must be for you. There are of coarse legal actions that you can take against her, both for the abuse that she inflicted on you, and the fact that being a child abuser, she may be destroying the health of other children. There are many abuse victims who've sued their abusive parents once they've become adults, and won. Again , however, these are not things that you should be thinking about now. You'll have time to think about them once you've given birth and gone through the first years of your childs life with her/him.
In the meantime Raychel, it is of utmost importance that you take care of yourself and your baby.Keep coming back to this site and you'll get plenty of support from us. I think that the fact that you haven't seen your mother since you left her house is a smart thing, and I'd continue to stay away from her for now. One last thing about support and therapy. You could always find a therapist and explain your history and current situation, making it clear that you JUST want support through your pregnancy and the flashbacks your having, but you don't want to get into ANYTHING heavy right now or begin a deep process of healing until after the birth of your child and after you've had time to begin parenting etc. . Feel free to come here and talk about anything you want to, any time you need to. If you come back to the site during week days, Mon.-Fri. , I'm sure you'll find a lot more posts for you.
Be good to yourself, you're worth it!
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Cheryl
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Re: mother still working with young kids
Reply #3 - Mar 10th, 2003 at 2:38pm
 
Hello Raychel,

I just wanted to say nice to meet you and welcome to the board!  I hope you find this place a place of comfort and help to you during your time of healing. 

I can't say much more then what Robin and Matanah already said...But I did want to welcome you.

Congrats on your pregnancy!!!!

Travelling with you  ~  Cheryl
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