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My Story (Read 3350 times)
Swwjr4ever
Ex Member


My Story
Mar 3rd, 2003 at 12:34pm
 
     I found out about my dad when I was 12 years old because my mom finally pulled out the court papers and decided not to keep my dad's sexual abuse on us a secret anymore.  The reason that she told me then, was because my dad had died.  There it was, written proof that something went terribly wrong in our family.  But even before that, I knew.  I've always felt different, scared at night, even making friends was difficult for me.  I found out recently that I started sucking my thumb, right after it happened.  At times, I feel like I shouldn't be on this earth.  Almost every night I cry, sometimes, I donít know what for.  All these feelings come from when I was younger; I feel that inside.
     Growing up, my sister looked at me with hatred in her eyes, because I look like him.  I guess she figured that every time she looks at me, she sees him and thinks of what he did to her.  I'll never know, because we both keep it locked inside, wanting it to go away.  She was tested when she was younger and he was taken to court for what he did to her.  My mom told me that I was too hyper and wouldnít sit still to let them examine me.  They should have done it anyway.  But, deep down inside I know that something happened to me.  Even though I can't remember what he did to me, I do remember crying every night and being afraid to fall asleep.  Every time my mom got me to sleep, Iíd wake up crying shortly after. 
     My mom divorced my dad, when I was a little over a year old, but my grandparents had visitation rights.  He was told to stay away from us, by the court.  To be ďLike two ships passing in the night.Ē  But, my grandparents (his parents) let him come around, so the abuse continued another year or two...until my mom found out again and my grandparents had their visitation rights taken away.  So, from the time I was 3 until the time I was 12, I never seen my grandparents or my dad. 
     Even at three years old, you can remember things.  I remember running from him, being scared and banging on the door to my room.  I didn't get into the room fast enough and my sister shut the door.  I keep crying and screaming at her to let me in, but she won't.  We were trying to get away from him.  Every once in a while, I still flashback to that scene.  I fear that room, and every time that I go to my grandmother's house, I can't sleep in it because I feel him there.  When I'm alone, I feel him watching me.  Growing up, I used to sleep with the light on, and wake up anytime I heard a sound.  Often, I cried myself to sleep.  When I started developing, I found out that I have this fear of being raped and still do, to this day.  When I started having sex with my boyfriend (now my husband) I would sometimes cry after sex and not know what to tell him when he would ask me whatís wrong.
     It's been a long time since then, about 17 years or so, but the feelings never go away.  I recently got married, but the feeling of being alone is still there because my husband works out of town and not even having my baby around is comforting because I have this fear of hurting him like my father hurt me.  Iím afraid to show the kind of love to my son that I want to, because I have this fear that Iím doing something wrong.  All I need is someone to talk to, someone to understand, and someone to believe in me.  Because I was never tested, my mother and sister refuse to believe that anything happened to me.   So I don't know where to turn.
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Matanah
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If not for my sense of
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Re: My Story
Reply #1 - Mar 10th, 2003 at 7:50am
 
Hi,
I just read your story and want you to know that I'm deeply pained by what you had to suffer through. We've all been through sexual abuse to one degree or another here, but not being believed, as many of us have experienced,can also be as devastating as the abuse. Don't ever let the fact that your mother and sister didn't believe you influence the truth. YOU know what happened, and yes, even at 3 yrs. old, you CAN remember! It's really a shame that your sister turned against you instead of being your ally and being there for you, being there for each other to help each other cope with the devastating after effects of the abuse.
The fact that she looked at you with hatred in her eyes, as you felt that you reminded her of your father was something I had to go through as well, only with my mother. Every time she looked at me she saw my father and was reminded of the biggest mistake of her life, having children with this sick man!, so I remained the "black sheep" in a family with two brothers throughout my childhood and in fact until this day. I understand your fear of doing the same thing to your child, therefore feeling more comfortable that he's not around. I've had these sorts of feelings myself,and have never had chidren to date. I'm now sure , though, that I would never hurt my child if I were to have one in any way. There's a good chance that you wouldn't either, and it is just a fear that you are (understandably) feeling.
I didn't hear any mention of therapy or any other kind of support( that you need) in your story. If you're not currently in therapy, I would strongly suggest that you try finding a therapist who is experienced in working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse/incest(and in my opinion we're usually better off seeing a female, even though many of us distrust women before starting therapy for various reasons, we usually do very well with female therapists. Provided she's the right therapist for you). We will all be here to guide you if you decide you want to begin healing your pain and scars through therapy. But in my opinion, this is something that you'll really need in order to start feeling healthy and whole, and it will give you the ability to make friends and meet new people without feeling uncomfortable. You may even be able to be with your baby again and feel comfortable if that's something that you'd want.            
There are so many other things that I could go on talking to you about, because I've lived through the same thing. We all have , at this site, in one way or another.
You said that you didn't know where to turn? Please feel re-assured that THIS is where you can turn right now and for as long as you want/need to. All the people here are gentle and kind, and will be happy to listen to you , support you, in any way we can.
I hope you come back again to talk about anything and everything you want to. You shouldn't have to go through this alone . You don't have to.
Take care of yourself(Swwjr4ever)!
Remember that we're here 4 u.....













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In Loving Light,&&Matanah
 
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Michelle Honey
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Re: My Story
Reply #2 - Dec 8th, 2003 at 1:55am
 
Cry I know how you feel about your child.  But trust yourself.  I have two children and my son is now 10.  I was more scared when my daughter was born that my son would do to her what my brother did to me but it it has been good.  Trust yourself and your love for your child and know that you can break a cycle that you did not perpetuate.  Your fear is a good thing because it means you do not have a desire to do it.  If you were the same type of person I doubt you would worry about it.
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MelindaE
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Re: My Story
Reply #3 - Dec 9th, 2003 at 4:45am
 
I am so sorry that you were abused.  I am so sorry that the abuse was from your father.   I was also abused by my step father.   It's horrible being afraid of someone you are supposed to trust and feel safe with.

I too am new to this group and have found that the people who post and reply are so loving and supportive that I have found it to be a lifeline that I count on.   If you are not getting some kind of therapy for the abuse you went through, I urge you to start somewhere.  Perhaps by contacting your insurance carrier and asking about your mental health coverage.  You could ask your pastor to recommend someone. 

I finally got so overwhelmed with images of my past that I had to do something about it and boy am I glad I did!  It is amazing.  It's a scary thing to start therapy.  Mostly, for me, because I was afriad of the unknown.   But I have to tell you, that every day, I am feeling that child-like happiness coming back.  I am feeling just a little bit safer in my world.  I am replacing guilty feelings (that had no business being there) with anger and blame on the abuser.  I can honestly say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Some days are hard.  Memories are tough, but as you go through them and remember things, after you feel the feelings that went along with the memories, you eventually feel better about them.  One by one. 

I know how painful the damage of the abuse has been for me.  I have to think that others are feeling the same pain, if not, then more than I.   I hope you find the love and support you need to help you through what you are feeling right now.  You are in my thoughts. 

Sincerely,  Melinda
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I no longer see things controlling me. Fools believe in only what they see. The wise are rich indeed. - Words From Christian Artist, Crystal Lewis
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kjoy
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Re: My Story
Reply #4 - Dec 11th, 2003 at 3:49am
 
I understand your fears with your child as I felt the same fears. But I have to let you know that my two sisters and I all went through the same type of abuse with our father and we have all raised loving responsible children. I think that we all strived really hard to show our kids the kind of love we desired as children not the kind of love we recieved and it has worked out great. Our kids are all grown with kids of their own and doing great. We still talk and marvel about how that could have possibly happened. So parents don't automatically pass on to their kids their experiences, but can pass on the values and love that they themself desired. Just keep loving your son and trust in your heart and things will work out okay.  Take care of yourself and remember " you are not alone"....  The one peice of advice my older sister gave me when I started having kids has always worked for me. She told me to remember that everything I do is building their memories so try to make them ones they would want to cherish. It works..  Kathy
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