I found out about my dad when I was 12 years old because my mom finally pulled out the court papers and decided not to keep my dad's sexual abuse on us a secret anymore.  The reason that she told me then, was because my dad had died.  There it was, written proof that something went terribly wrong in our family.  But even before that, I knew.  I've always felt different, scared at night, even making friends was difficult for me.  I found out recently that I started sucking my thumb, right after it happened.  At times, I feel like I shouldn't be on this earth.  Almost every night I cry, sometimes, I don’t know what for.  All these feelings come from when I was younger; I feel that inside.
     Growing up, my sister looked at me with hatred in her eyes, because I look like him.  I guess she figured that every time she looks at me, she sees him and thinks of what he did to her.  I'll never know, because we both keep it locked inside, wanting it to go away.  She was tested when she was younger and he was taken to court for what he did to her.  My mom told me that I was too hyper and wouldn’t sit still to let them examine me.  They should have done it anyway.  But, deep down inside I know that something happened to me.  Even though I can't remember what he did to me, I do remember crying every night and being afraid to fall asleep.  Every time my mom got me to sleep, I’d wake up crying shortly after. 
     My mom divorced my dad, when I was a little over a year old, but my grandparents had visitation rights.  He was told to stay away from us, by the court.  To be “Like two ships passing in the night.”  But, my grandparents (his parents) let him come around, so the abuse continued another year or two...until my mom found out again and my grandparents had their visitation rights taken away.  So, from the time I was 3 until the time I was 12, I never seen my grandparents or my dad. 
     Even at three years old, you can remember things.  I remember running from him, being scared and banging on the door to my room.  I didn't get into the room fast enough and my sister shut the door.  I keep crying and screaming at her to let me in, but she won't.  We were trying to get away from him.  Every once in a while, I still flashback to that scene.  I fear that room, and every time that I go to my grandmother's house, I can't sleep in it because I feel him there.  When I'm alone, I feel him watching me.  Growing up, I used to sleep with the light on, and wake up anytime I heard a sound.  Often, I cried myself to sleep.  When I started developing, I found out that I have this fear of being raped and still do, to this day.  When I started having sex with my boyfriend (now my husband) I would sometimes cry after sex and not know what to tell him when he would ask me what’s wrong.
     It's been a long time since then, about 17 years or so, but the feelings never go away.  I recently got married, but the feeling of being alone is still there because my husband works out of town and not even having my baby around is comforting because I have this fear of hurting him like my father hurt me.  I’m afraid to show the kind of love to my son that I want to, because I have this fear that I’m doing something wrong.  All I need is someone to talk to, someone to understand, and someone to believe in me.  Because I was never tested, my mother and sister refuse to believe that anything happened to me.   So I don't know where to turn.

I know how you feel about your child.  But trust yourself.  I have two children and my son is now 10.  I was more scared when my daughter was born that my son would do to her what my brother did to me but it it has been good.  Trust yourself and your love for your child and know that you can break a cycle that you did not perpetuate.  Your fear is a good thing because it means you do not have a desire to do it.  If you were the same type of person I doubt you would worry about it.

I understand your fears with your child as I felt the same fears. But I have to let you know that my two sisters and I all went through the same type of abuse with our father and we have all raised loving responsible children. I think that we all strived really hard to show our kids the kind of love we desired as children not the kind of love we recieved and it has worked out great. Our kids are all grown with kids of their own and doing great. We still talk and marvel about how that could have possibly happened. So parents don't automatically pass on to their kids their experiences, but can pass on the values and love that they themself desired. Just keep loving your son and trust in your heart and things will work out okay.  Take care of yourself and remember " you are not alone"....  The one peice of advice my older sister gave me when I started having kids has always worked for me. She told me to remember that everything I do is building their memories so try to make them ones they would want to cherish. It works..  Kathy