BTI Forums
Bearing Through It >> Happiness and Healing >> MY MOM APOLOGIZED TO ME!!!!!

Message started by Mandi on Sep 20th, 2010 at 12:14pm

Post by Mandi on Sep 20th, 2010 at 12:14pm
Hey everybody! 

It's been a long time since I've been here.  I realize this board is pretty quiet.  But I just had to share some good news.  My mom has NEVER apologized to me ever.  She finally did and I feel like there's some kind of hope for an easier future.  Long story but I'll try to make it short.  I asked my mom to go with me and my son to Hershey, PA.  I didn't mean to.  When I told my cousin she said I asked her because it's a coping skill of mine.  I guess you would just have to understand my mom.  As soon as I asked her, I tried to think of ways to tell her we didn't want her to go.  But I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  She wrote an email telling me that her friend said that Hershey, PA was not really a big deal.  I told her that we might not go.  And if we do, I just want it to be a mother/son trip.  We had been planning it together for a while.  She just said, "OK ~ I just didn't want you to be disappointed."  So we went to Hershey without her.  I didn't even talk to her 2 weeks before we left ~ so she didn't know we were gone until she saw pics on my son's facebook.  When I got home, she called and I asked if she saw that we went.  She said she did and said, "I thought you weren't going." I told her that we decided to go after all.  She seemed fine about it. A few days later, she took my name off of her facebook page as her daughter.  And she took herself off as my mother.  She had to do that on her own.  So passive-aggressive!!  So I talked to my therapist and she said that her feelings were hurt and maybe I should apologize.  So I wrote this really good email apologizing for the way I handled the Hershey vacation.  And that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but I did and I'm sorry.   It was very sweet and well written.  She answered back in one sentence ~ "my feelings weren't hurt until now."  The thing is, she was playing it very passive-aggressive.  Since I brought it up, it made it real and she had to face it.  That's when things started to get bad.  Then she proceeded to send more emails about how I invited her and then uninvited her and then she realizes it was done on purpose.  It got out of hand and she talked about how she has done EVERYTHING for us and we are still all unhappy.  She thought we were close but now figures out that we aren't.  WAIT ~ we were close?  Never knew that before.  I kept going back to the original topic, "Yes, I realize that I made a mistake which is why I apologized."  The last thing she said was, "Well, you don't have to tell me anything anymore because that will be easier for you.  I accept your heartfelt, email apology."  That's it.  So I didn't respond back because it was a childish response ~ as all her emails were.  So then I was prepared for my 6 weeks of silence that I get when we fight.  It's her punishment but I actually enjoy it.  After just one week of silence, she called me and left a message on my machine saying, "I'm sorry for acting snippy when I accepted your apology."  WOW!!! WHAT?!!!  I left her a message saying that I accepted her apology and I appreciate it.  The only apology that I've ever gotten was ~ "I'm sorry I hit you with the belt on your back.  But you moved."  GEEZ!!!  So anyway ~ it's a start.  And I feel like now I can be more honest with her.  And she can respond however she wants.  I will only talk about what's in front of us.  Not what happened a long time ago.  I will keep it calm and civil and she can over-react all she wants.  I'm not playing her games anymore.  Just wanted to share! I've waited a lifetime for this!! 

Post by Tracey on Sep 22nd, 2010 at 7:01am
Hi Mandi,

I'm pleased you got the appology you got and that you are on the right road for a more open and honest relationship with your mother.

With you knowing my recent news, I wish I could go back in time and re-do some aspects of my relationship with my own mother, but I can't now.  All I can say in hindsight is that our mothers may not behave in the way we would hope a lot of the time, however at the end of the day they are still our mothers.  The saying is true that "you don't know what you have got until it's gone..." and/or maybe I did all my anger towards her in therapy and now she is gone there is no anger just sympathy for her not being emotionally literate in the way I would have wished.

I hope these words offer hope for the future with your own mother and remember she does love you.

Tracey x

Post by Mandi on Sep 22nd, 2010 at 5:54pm
Thanks for your response Tracey.  I don't understand how you feel ~ I can only imagine.  I can still love my mother even if she isn't what I wished I had ~ or have.  Sometimes I feel like if she weren't here anymore, it would be a relief.  Maybe you have felt that before as well.  But now you are dealing with it first hand and I know it can't be easy.  All we can do is love our mothers the best way that we can.  Your words did help.  I appreciate it.  And again I am sorry for your loss.  I hope you are feeling better soon.  When my mother in law passed away 2 years ago, it took one whole year to go through the grieving process.  I think I cried every day.  She was my "go to" person.  I loved her so much and I miss her.  I think the thing that helped me was I focused on the good moments in our lives.  I let myself cry in private whenever I felt like it.  When I was having this fight with my mom, the first two days were the worst.  I started to cry and told my husband that I wished his mom was here.  Take the time you need to heal and share all you want.  If not here, you can email or message me on facebook.  Take special care of you!!

BTI Forums » Powered by YaBB 2.4!
YaBB © 2000-2009. All Rights Reserved.