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Bearing Through It >> General Conversation >> Putting On A Happy Face

Message started by sacredheart on Dec 20th, 2007 at 3:02pm

Title: Putting On A Happy Face
Post by sacredheart on Dec 20th, 2007 at 3:02pm
Whoa....Where do I start?
A few of you know that I had a difficult year with the brain surgeries and all that. I had a bummer MRI. The surgeon said that everything looked o.k. BUT, there are blood deposits in my brain, which can happen and could even be considered "normal" for that procedure. Anyway, now I am told that I am at a very high risk fo a stroke and yodda, yodda, yodda (that is when I zoned out). I know that I will overcome the challenges that are given to me, but, right now I am tired of putting on a happy face and looking at the bright side! ~ Why I chose to come here, I think is that this situation has me feeling old feelings of helplessness and feeling unsafe...something that we all share here. I had been hoping for "grassy meadows" in the second or third part of my life, but it seems there are nothing but a continuous row of hills to climb! UGH!!
So, Merry Christmas, HAW! HAW! HAW!
Actually, I am not feeling THAT bad. Just a little bummed.
I'm taking Rev's idea and going to the candy factory today! Fudge is in my near future.


Title: Re: Putting On A Happy Face
Post by revenna on Dec 20th, 2007 at 8:30pm

I'm sorry about the bummer MRI.  I don't blame you for feeling discouraged.  You've had sooooooo much to deal with this past year and have done remarkably well with all of your challenges.  I'm sorry that the news was not exactly as you hoped.  I struggle with doctors and hospitals and tests because the news is so often negative.  I know doctors have to give us the full picture, but sometimes I wish they would keep their mouths shut.  I know there are people who feel exactly the opposite of what I do and want the additional information.  But I'm one of these people who functions best if I don't know everything that MIGHT happen.  My heart goes out to you, Sacredheart.  Please remember, just because the doctor said you are at a high risk for stroke doesn't mean it's going to happen.  

I'm sorry for the feelings of helplessness that have arisen.  I know these feelings all too well.  May there be a feeling of peace in the days ahead.  And may that fudge bring you comfort, too!

I'll be thinking about you!


Title: Re: Putting On A Happy Face
Post by Mandi on Dec 21st, 2007 at 9:17am
YEA for fudge!!!  I love that my friends love fudge as much as me.  The only problem is ~ every time I hear it, I want to go make it immediately!!  I'm sorry you are feeling so bummed right now Sacredheart.  I know it's not like you to feel this way all the time.  It's hard hearing the news that you did not want to hear.  STILL ~ you have overcome HUGE mountains and you are still here.  Think of all that you have gone through.  And you have made it through so many things.  It just shows how strong you really are.   Try to pretend like you don't know what MIGHT happen.  Lalalalalalala!!  Can't hear you doctor!!! :P  What do they know anyway?  They don't know who you are exactly and how far you've come.  Sometimes people beat all kinds of odds just because they BELIEVE!!!!   Maybe you have a bigger purpose here.  To share your beautiful paintings with others.  And to share your message of love, peace and happiness.  That's beautiful.  You are beautiful and we are lucky to have you here.  You most definitely don't have to put the happy face on here.  I know how hard that is.  Just be yourself and don't worry about pleasing the masses.  Please yourself.  The people who love you will understand.  Make a tshirt that says ~ "Not wearing my happy mask today.  I wore it yesterday.  Sorry you missed it."  Then people will be warned.  haha!!!  Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts!!!!  We are here to listen.  

Big hugs,
Mandi :D

Title: Re: Putting On A Happy Face
Post by sacredheart on Dec 21st, 2007 at 3:02pm
Dear Rev and Mandi~

You both make me feel a little lighter! Thanks! hubby and I just got back from the candy factory!! Yes! I haven't broken into anything, yet, but it was a lot of fun going there! Rev...we bought some fudge and now I am thinking that this is going to be a better Christmas than I anticipated. Sugar is good for the soul. (We will get no arguments from Mandi!~ which, by the way, rhymes with candy!!) See? It all makes sense with the chocolate addiction! LOL
Actually, the brain thing has been a long journey. I am just really disappointed because I thought that I would go in and they would take out the problem and I would recover and be back to "normal"! I honestly do not know why I thought that. Maybe, mostly because I do BELIEVE that we can go beyond the boundaries, obstacles, challenges (or whatever you want to call them) and, especially when it comes to brain function. There is so much that they really don't know about the brain. I am a research patient, as well, because only a very small percentage of people have cavernous malformations, apparently. I thought that being a research patient would not only help others, but that maybe they would keep a closer eye on what is going on with me and my head!!! The most disturbing thing is that I cannot drive (it has been over a year), which means that I am completely dependent on others (my husband, mostly~ who works nights,) to get around. It is a drag. I am grieving the loss of some of my independence. I have to overcome this, I know. My vision is screwed up because they cut through the part of the brain responsible for vision. So it is a brain issue....not an eye issue. Now, my painting has been effected by this whole thing and it is a struggle to do what I used to do. ~ I can go on and on whining about it all, but, in the end~ I will have to do the very best that I can and work with what I have got. Intellectually, I get it. I know that it could be a thousand times worse and a million other horrible things could have happened, but didn't, and for THAT...I am grateful. But, emotionally, it is a different story!! I am sad and frustrated and not knowing what to do next.
I'll stop here. There is so much more to the story!!
It's All Good!
Thanks for listening to me ramble on about my sad self!! I am going to change that around and try to focus on something creative today.
First, I will just BREATHE!
Sending love and light your way, my angel friends.

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